u/ivyyyywivy

tw sexual abuse & self harm

Being groomed for years straight and sexually abused multiple times turned me into such a messed up and gross person

my story:

Growing up my father used to sa me between the ages of 2-6, I was very alone and shy and quiet growing up and I never really spoke about anything to anyone but at 11 I was alone and craved attention. Sadly no one ever gave me attention and I ended up looking for it in the wrong places, suddenly I had 10+ older men praising me and caring about me. I felt seen and understood by many of them and I felt a strong connection, so at 11 I started sending videos and pictures of my naked body to these men, I remember crying about it but I wanted them to love me so bad and I wanted someone to be proud of me so I kept doing it, at 14 I was in my first real relationship with a guy my age and then he sa’d me, 6 months later I lost my virginity to another guy through rape, after all this I ended up to be very hypersexual, even tho I cry when sexual,

I’ve realised that I only rencounter in sexual situations with people because I’m a people pleaser and I want them to love or be happy with me. Sometimes I think I was made for this and there’s no one who is going to love me if I stop oversexualising myself. my head feels so rotten and wired, my body disgusts me, I self harm to be able to feel something, I don’t know what to do with myself anymore, I drink too much, smoke too much. people tell me that I’m the kind of girl you need to hold or else I will fall to the ground and I hate to be this way and I feel like such a burden to everyone close to me

I think I try to be someone else in men’s eyes, I try to put on a act that they’ll like as if I’m the girl in their dreams because showing them the real me would prove that I am in fact just a sad bitch who fakes her personality. I feel so broken and rotten I don’t know what to do with myself

I was groomed and sa first when I was 2-6 years old, at 11 years old I was lonely and started looking for attention anywhere I could but never got it, until I started looking online. Suddenly I had 10+ older guys giving me all the love and attention in the world. Now I’m 16 and not much has changed. I was probably around 13 when I learned about grooming and realized what happened to me, it made me sad, but reality was sad so I decided to live in my delusion and all those men sure do know how to manipulate and love bomb til you know nothing else. Since then I’ve almost always had some older guy to talk to, I’ve tried irl relationship w guys my own age but I always feel shallow and empty and I always miss the feeling of the kinda attention I got from the older men online. Even tho I got traumatised and blackmailed and pressured and found myself in severe depression, I still felt so loved by the attention they gave me. I haven’t been able to get out of the cycle no matter how hard I try. My brain is so wired now it’s like Im addicted to the attention.

but now that im 16 i know better, im more mature and more experienced and im not as easy to manipulate, is it really that bad if I don’t want to stop? It doesn’t hurt me anymore, mostly it just brings me comfort. Is it ok to be ok with it? Even tho it traumatised me and made me so hard, is it still ok to crave it???

being groomed so much as a child and teenager online really shaped me as a person and really had a big effect on the way I think and feel, I’m now 16 and I feel as if my brain is completely wired and rotten.

I always yearn and miss the same kinda attention I used to get from my groomers, I always over sexualise myself and put myself out there, if I’m not sexualised I feel unloved but If I’m too sexulised I feel used and disgusted.

I’d be lying if I said that I have gotten better, honestly, I’m in the exact same position I was when I was 12, only difference is that I’m now experienced and more mature. I suppose that makes me safer being in the environment that I’ve ended up being but idk.

I really wish stuff was diffident, but I can’t seem to untangle my brain from all the manipulation I went through as a child.

When I date someone my age irl I feel empty