u/jacelikespace

Im almost 40 and I've struggled with restrictive ED my whole life. After almost a decade of maintaining effortlessly, I started to feel the effects of aging. My metabolism slowed down, as does everyone's someday. I sit about 10 lbs heavier now without actively dieting and exercising than I did 10 years ago. Its not much, I'm still what most people would call thin/fit. However, I've been really stressed lately. Ive worked in the seggs industry for many years and am struggling to transition out of it. I went though a breakup. The new person my ex is dating is clearly in the throws of anorexia and extremely underweight. I got triggered majorly.

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Started watching what I eat more closely, walking on my treadmill for hours instead of sitting while watching TV or movies. I tried restricting again and realized, it doesnt work for me anymore. My brain doesnt light up from starving like it used to. I truly know better. I remembered how starving and over exercising never really helped. I felt like those things were keeping my weight in control, when really it was an illusion of control. Healthy habits had my weight sitting barely above when I was OCD about my food, without taking over my life.

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After weeks of more excerise and mindful eating, I hadn't lost more than a pound. And I gained a half an inch on my thighs. But I felt better. I was so deconditioned from depression and malnutrition that my muscles grew simply from walking daily and eating tons of vegetables. I am less bloated, less anxious and depressed. I can feel myself in my body again. I dont feel out of control when I eat, at least not often (it still happens). I feel nourished. I am trying to sit with the uncomfortable feelings that I tried to avoid by diving back into my eating disorder. I have an intake with a new therapist on monday. I feel like this might be a new phase of my recovery. I see recovered as a working state I'll always be in. Like an alcoholic is still one even if they never drink again.

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The media and culture are in a toxic thin phase again. My exs new partner, who was also my friend, is wearing the clothes I gave her because they are too small for me now. And they are baggy on her.

I want to want to be sick again.

It would be easier to avoid how awful these things make me feel. And how awful the things buried below those are. But it doesnt work anymore. Nothing is stopping me from continuing to engage in ED behaviors. But I want to be happy someday. And ive done enough work in recovery to know that being my goal weight & measurements wont fix things. Unfortunately 😅. I now identfy as reluctantly recovered.