Wife suddenly doesn’t understand monogamy
My wife and I have been together for 6 years married for 3 (both F30s). We opened up to one couple (30sM/F) a year ago. It worked out for her, not so much for me. I thought it was just gunna be sex but they all wanted more emotional involvement and I stupidly allowed it thinking I would lose her if I didn’t. I never wanted this.
The past year has been hell. I’ve done so much personal work. Read all the books, listened to the podcasts, gone to therapy, dated people, and joined discord groups to try and adopt other perspectives. All it’s really done is highlight how differently I think about all this and given me the strength to be ok with that.
I told my wife last week that I was done trying. I can’t go against my nature anymore, it’s not a trauma thing, it’s not a lack of understanding or empathy, it’s a fundamental difference in values and relationship structure preference. I offered her the opportunity to try and rebuild our marriage under the conditions of monogamy and she took it, begrudgingly. She broke up with them.
Her sticking point is that she’s not in love with them so it shouldn’t matter. It’s more than friends but less than what she feels for me. It’s somehow worth watching me writhe in pain for a full year, but also not something I should be concerned or involved with? She said to my face that she doesn’t believe I should have a say in what she does with other people (dating, sex, whatever). She also said she doesn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t be ok with their partners stepping out, despite me explaining it over and over again. We went into this laughing at people who identify as Poly, but I fear she drank the kool aid, she just loves to feel superior.
I’d love to say that it’s been smooth sailing ever since but she barely looks at me. Barely touches me. My aunt died yesterday and I had to ask her to hold me while I cried. To make matters worse, she’s still seeing them as friends. She spent 10 hours with them today. She genuinely doesn’t have any other friends so it feels unfair to ask her not to, and I know she would scream at me about not trusting her, but it’s hard when she’s actively avoiding me. Allegedly she just needs time to “get over it” but how can she when she’s still spending so much time with them?
Im just done, man. She said it’s over and I trust her because of just how angry she is at me. I’m emailing every couples therapist in the tristate area to help us fix this but I fear it’s not going to work long term and she’s going to hate me forever for not letting her “explore the depths of relationship with other people” (another direct quote).