I just cut myself after being clean for 2 years
I just cut my wrists multiple times without thinking because of how upset I was with my family. I used to slit my wrists a lot when I was 16 for around a year because of family issues and depression I developed because of it. My family member would see my arms covered in blood and no one cared. I only ever had one friend I could be open about to and she helped me get better.
It’s been 2 years now and I’m in such a better place but unfortunately have not been able to move out because of financial stuff. I was so so so incredibly happy this past month because I’ve been having such a wonderful time with so many of the people I love (my friends) and am about to head off to a trip with 2 of my friends around the country.
But my family member got really mad today and spent the entire few hours screaming at me and calling me names and yelling at me in public in front of everyone when we were outside and it just brought back memories of everything. I hate my family so much. I hate them so so much. I am filled with so much love and light in my heart for the people in my life and for the world. I do my best to make the world a better place through my volunteer work and politics. But it sucks when your own blood is so dysfunctional and awful. I can’t stand my family. Why raise children when you can’t even get your shit together??
Anyways, I thought I had myself contained but when I looked into my family members’ eyes, they just had these crazy manic eyes and it just freaked me out in a way I can’t explain. As soon as I got back to my room I just started bawling my eyes out silently and without thinking took the thing that happened to be on the floor and cut myself multiple times. Now there’s blood all over my arms and just looking at it makes me feel so terrible because not only did I promise I’d never do that to myself again; but I was so incredibly happy these past few weeks. I would do anything to have a normal family. I would give anything. Why does it have to be this way? Why? I hate it all so much. I hate people who have kids especially those who don’t have their shit together and then they blame everything on the kids. You’re better off dead.
To make it clear I am in a slightly better mental frame and will make sure I don’t accidentally harm myself on a whim. And definitely not others; I have never even thought of doing anything like that.