u/jodykatherine

It’s. . .unsettlingly discomfiting, discerning the permanency within things from which, thoroughly, cannot be escaped; loss is one niche amongst myriad.

Two decades, I’d fawned in the presence of an individual who, ultimately, aligned further with the immorality of irreverence (‘irreverant’; an incontrovertibly facile nicety) than the other individual within that relationship. Stewing in toxicity, your core belief settled upon the unreality that: to be divergent rivalled ‘sacrilege’ (the dogmas of your faith soured whatever goodness lingered within you those ensuing six years); &, as deconditioning cultish ethics could, fundamentally, neither have altered your psyche, nor what fundamentals had since bore beneath your superficiality. . .it’d be disingenuous to state I hadn’t, nevertheless, fought for our love.

What else remained?

Upon abandonment’s inevitability, it came to my attention: had I been in the presence of a leech, I’d’ve permitted it sap the sweetness I’d offered all others (exclusive of myself) were it not to’ve left; &, it did. You did. Brains traumatised across time, particularly people-pleaser personas, vie to parse how their abusers aligned with the titular phenomenon; if anything, I acknowledge my brain hadn’t cognised this possibility.

For a time, the shape of reality uptook that infantile cubic-peg-to-circular-aperture pipeline (i.e., an implausibility; something that could neither occur nor have occurred, lest I recognise the solidity of my abandonment). That is, fundamentally: although physics dictate a cubic composite cannot penetrate a structure unaccommodating of its breadth. . .my hermetic, trauma-steeped, faerieland reasoning (the singular foundation upon which I’d gauged I could’ve pulled reasoning from) had bargained it, indeed, could. Dialectical behaviourism suggested I, in the meantime, adhere with what may be familiarised; my cerebra glommed to the hyperfix of psychopharmacology, &, paradoxically. . .the disciple of an unreality versed herself in its nonexistence (no; a circular aperture couldn’t, in fact, accommodate any cubic peg of that sort).

In absence of metaphor: you, this individual, & I, were incongruent, precisely as objects moulded for the permission of differentiating composites must, yes, align with their correspondent passages to facilitate feasible reciprocity (no matter how vigorously I hankered for you, a circular aperture, to’ve sojourned myself, the cubic peg). Uncannily, my abandonment had accelerated this requisite conduit of recognition; further, further, further. . .until reality phased into something to be accepted.

Since, still: what else remained?

E. Anastasya
03.08.26
06:24, GMT+2

Six years, I have housed a Bullet within myself.

‘Gripe not.’
‘Grouse not.’
‘Mire in solitude.’
As ought any flawed disciple, I, at once,
have heeded & failed.
On occasion, the Bullet appears amenable;
carmine, viscid, scantly evident.
On occasion, it smoulders indigo in fever;
& I mangle
amongst labyrinthine bedsheets,
pondering whether the Bullet ought not
smother me.
I, at once, gripe & gripe not
as voracity
severs my body in twain.
I, at once, grouse & grouse not
as I cogitate for necessity;
consolidating internal disorganisation.

I have bled politely across Northern California.

It is July. Still yet has the Bullet to smother.
Hark, Supernova; ere long, shall I have wrested its casing from within.
Hark, Supernova; in solitude, shall I thus
reside no longer.
Hark; anon, liveliness, shall I embody.

Of your effectuation, gospel reincarnate,
lurid ochre poppies ought
flourish about.

E. Anastasya
11.07.26
02:18, GMT+2

In girum imus nocte et consumimur igni.

Embosomed by mine own spectre, your hollow simulacrum wept treacly phantasmic solace; hologram unfurling across wanness, laved of altitude’s waft: pranced about foreign cobbles. . .had intwined, at once, our dyad vertebrae, venae cavae in arrhythmic sync (adoration nary a correspondence with soil’s penchant to nourish offspring; for, comprises your permanency this offspring).

Fathomably, ourselves: volitional, roving autonomous amongst this universe. . .never had we manoeuvred life trammelled by that which once augured an imposition (flourishing dissociated, that omnipotent presence plucked altruism from its dutiful place &, amidst the tumult. . .we, individually, implored not of said omnipotence its cultivated strength; strength extrinsic so). Extracting pomegranates for their spend, had vermilion dappled gracile digits; at the tincture you adore so intently, beamed I, & sanguine string, unjust labyrinthine intertwinement latticed inextricably about itself (nebulous möbius). . .disentangled thus. Oddments of those which once were; iterations, once ourselves, had we outwitted as to ameliorate (& splinter, with inexorable recursion, what mended; a humanistic quirk); indiscretions, once emblematical plagues to us as are wraiths to their wont; irrespective of verve. . .from the fortifications within which, sedulous in pertinacity, persisted cultivation: foundered, had all adversaries, on the penetration of our psyches’ armour. Perchance, one less privy to yours & mine burgeoning souls’ mien ought have attributed fault to the arbiter of those whom ‘merit’ deservedness; neither I, nor yourself: extant within this majority (yet, regulated Sun its Moon; tug & clasp, recursive buttresses engirding troposphere & cosmos. . .howbeit, had He hitherto cognised Her not).

Presently, skipper we Earth with sapience; acknowledge caliginosity ubiquitously insofar as others, contrariwise, remain subservient to the tribalism of luminescence’s cultish fetter; coexisting, these dualistic properties (verily, an appreciable variable withal). Nathless, arrantly. . .aphoristic mine proclamations’ perfervid aggregate carriage extenuate nought, my exanimate supernova, of such interminable illusionary hankering.

In girum imus nocte et consumimur igni.

© E. Anastasya
25.06.26
13:27, GMT+2

In girum imus nocte et consumimur igni.

Embosomed by mine own spectre, your hollow simulacrum wept treacly phantasmic solace; hologram unfurling across wanness, laved of altitude’s waft: pranced about foreign cobbles. . .had intwined, at once, our dyad vertebrae, venae cavae in arrhythmic sync (adoration nary a correspondence with soil’s penchant to nourish offspring; for, comprises your permanency this offspring).

Fathomably, ourselves: volitional, roving autonomous amongst this universe. . .never had we manoeuvred life trammelled by that which once augured an imposition (flourishing dissociated, that omnipotent presence plucked altruism from its dutiful place &, amidst the tumult. . .we, individually, implored not of said omnipotence its cultivated strength; strength extrinsic so). Extracting pomegranates for their spend, had vermilion dappled gracile digits; at the tincture you adore so intently, beamed I, & sanguine string, unjust labyrinthine intertwinement latticed inextricably about itself (nebulous möbius). . .disentangled thus. Oddments of those which once were; iterations, once ourselves, had we outwitted as to ameliorate (& splinter, with inexorable recursion, what mended; a humanistic quirk); indiscretions, once emblematical plagues to us as are wraiths to their wont; irrespective of verve. . .from the fortifications within which, sedulous in pertinacity, persisted cultivation: foundered, had all adversaries, on the penetration of our psyches’ armour. Perchance, one less privy to yours & mine burgeoning souls’ mien ought have attributed fault to the arbiter of those whom ‘merit’ deservedness; neither I, nor yourself: extant within this majority (yet, regulated Sun its Moon; tug & clasp, recursive buttresses engirding troposphere & cosmos. . .howbeit, had He hitherto cognised Her not).

Presently, skipper we Earth with sapience; acknowledge caliginosity ubiquitously insofar as others, contrariwise, remain subservient to the tribalism of luminescence’s cultish fetter; coexisting, these dualistic properties (verily, an appreciable variable withal). Nathless, arrantly. . .aphoristic mine proclamations’ perfervid aggregate carriage extenuate nought, my exanimate supernova, of such interminable illusionary hankering.

In girum imus nocte et consumimur igni.

E. Anastasya
25.06.26
13:19, GMT+2