Heaven and Hell
I'm two weeks into being a father and I am in Heaven and Hell, but Hell is steadily taking over.
I'm desperate, I'm boiling with villainous anger, I'm stinky with stress and rage, and like many of you have expressed for various reasons - I already feel like a failure.
I have wanted to be a father my whole life. I'm 43 and I feel ten years late. I have been looking forward to this for so long and I have worked so hard to be able to enjoy it - left gig work for a steady job with insurance that allowed my wife to take off while pregnant, single income home now but still setting money aside, etc... I was so focused on being able to be around for the first several weeks of his life without working.
A month and a half before my wife gives birth, I get fired. 15 days after she became active under my insurance. I collected unemployment for a few weeks while working part time but lost unemployment because I didn't work my regular part time hours during the days we were in the hospital. So here we are 2 weeks into being parents, no insurance, lost main income source (I still gig work), fighting with unemployment, fighting with the process of trying to get insurance, and the savings are already halfway gone. I haven't yet told my wife we lost unemployment. I mean, technically I just opened another claim this past Sunday to add him as a dependent, but it got declined. Still trying to talk to an actual person about that but I don't have much hope it'll go through.
I was raised with stubborn PA Dutch work ethic but I'm getting slammed hard with the reality that hard work no longer gets rewarded, and cowardice is the new job security to the point that being proactive isn't as important as pure deference to the boss.
I'm applying everywhere and I have yet to hear back from anyone and I can fucking weld, carpent, minor electric work, rig, lift, climb, manage a crew, I'm in the theatre industry so I know how to meet a deadline, I'm an expert in emotions, and I tapped onstage with Gregory Hines when I was a child. But none of that gets you a decent wage with benefits!!!!
And our electric bill just went up.
I definitely have a penchant for sprinkling in comedic bitching with my angry bitching, but I am truly in despair and just because of money. It's just money. Everyone is healthy, we're in love with our little boy, I try to focus on that. But I gotta step up for them and take every opportunity.
So, I know people tend to hate it when you shill on Reddit, I know there is a no advertising rule. But I need to do that real quick.
See, I've also been in the process of starting a new service that I'm hoping to turn into a business. I know people need it, and after joining this group a month ago I see how much new dads could benefit. I really am an expert in emotions. The bulk of which comes from my training in Alba Emoting, in case you want some googleable background. I began learning this in 2005, I became certified in 2011, for over 20 years I've lived my life from the perspective of emotional awareness and control. As an actor and acting coach I love it as a tool for emotional expression, but it's not an acting technique, it's teaches people what our emotions are in a way no one has ever broken them down.
But it's what I relied on to stay calm and present while my father was dying. It's what I relied on while navigating the arguments that come with a marriage, I used the breathing patterns to coach my wife during labor, and it's the only thing that's been allowing me to self regulate my nervous system during the process of losing my job and insurance before having a baby, and how I stay calm when my baby is screaming.
And it's actually really easy to learn.
But here's something I've been noticing lately. The emotional presence and control is responsive to intense pleasant emotions, not just the intense unpleasant emotions. In other words, it doesn't just help you stay calm when your baby is screaming, it also help deepen the connection of tenderness and love when your baby is steady. It helps me love my son even more deeply. Not to mention how it helps me understand all of his emotional communication.
If I were a better salesman I wouldn't be here complaining about money woes, but... I guess that's my pitch? I know how much this technique can aid some of the new fathers here and I have a desire to help people with a valuable, rare skill and I'm currently in a huge need to sell myself. Would anyone here like to try out a lesson? I'm willing to do pay-what-you-will sessions for anyone in this group if it means helping new dads and babies.
I'm thinking of hosting a group zoom intro where people can find out more info, i can also do individual training sessions. I'm working on making some YT videos about this, if I get enough followers I can go live and do late night Q&A's while you're trying to decompress. I know what I know and I have a desire to help, but I'm not sure how to reach people. Especially with the topic of emotions.
Either way just remember, you're the one who is going to be teaching your child about emotions. What will you be drawing from when you're teaching them?
If I can help myself by helping other people, it will make my Heaven a lot less Hellish.
If you even just read this far, thank you.