AITJ with a girl
I (35M) have been crushing on a girl (35F) for a long time, and now I don’t know if I handled things the right way.
We’ve known each other for about 15 years. Our friendship has been on and off over the years because of different life circumstances, but back in December we started talking again and worked through a lot of our past issues.
I’ve always had feelings for her, but I never acted on them because either I was too afraid or she was in a relationship. She had recently gotten out of a very toxic relationship and wanted to stay single for a while.
During one of our conversations, I told her how I felt. I made it clear that I was going to respect her space and wasn’t trying to pressure her into a relationship, but that when she was ready to date again, I’d love the chance to see where things could go between us. She didn’t say yes or no. She just said she wasn’t sure when she’d be ready to date.
About four months later, she made a Facebook post joking about the terrible pickup lines guys were sending her on dating apps. I took that as a sign that she was ready to start dating again. I waited a few weeks, thought it over, and after she’d had a particularly rough week, I asked if I could take her out on a date to help cheer her up.
Her response was, “As friends?”
I said, “No, as a romantic date.”
She seemed nervous and didn’t know what to say. Since she was still at work, I suggested we talk about it in person later.
When I went to her house after work, she told me she only saw me as a friend and always had.
I told her I wished she had said that months earlier when I first told her I wanted to date her someday. I also admitted that I was confused because, from my perspective, our relationship had gone beyond what I consider normal friendship.
For example, we celebrated Valentine’s Day together with dinner and thoughtful gifts. She talked about wanting me to go to Disney with her and was willing to spend around $5,000 so we could take the trip together. She would call me at 2 a.m. after work crying and ask me to come over, stay the night, or even just bring her a candy bar from 7-Eleven. I also bought her flowers regularly.
Because of all that, I genuinely believed there was something more than friendship between us.
In the end, I told her that if she truly only saw me as a friend, I didn’t think I could continue talking to her. Not because I was angry, but because I don’t think it’s healthy for me to pretend my feelings don’t exist. I also don’t think it would be fair to either of us—or to any future partners—to keep pretending we’re “just friends” when I’ve had romantic feelings for her all along. Looking back, I even wonder if that may have contributed to problems in some of her past relationships, since I wasn’t honest about how I felt.
Now I’m questioning whether I handled this poorly. I feel guilty and I’m worried I may have been unfair to her, but I also tend to overthink things.
AITA for deciding I couldn’t stay friends after she told me she only sees me as a friend?