Thankful for the boys always, but especially when they help me stop gaslighting my own abuse
I save up my Bravo episodes mainly so I can save up my WWC episodes to take with me on long hikes, so I just got to the Below Deck episode for S11E12 and boy oh boy was this a much needed listen. I know the recent arrest on Below Deck has been a tough topic for a lot of people, myself included, since Nathan on my screen is the spitting image of my ex.
I've been in a relationship for 5 years now, and he was incredibly physically violent from the start - screaming out of the blue over minor things to turn them around so he could "call the cops" on me for no reason, punching walls and doors, punching/beating his car up so bad he literally totalled it, and the occasional pushing me, hitting me, and grabbing me. The worst was twice strangling me and holding me up by my neck with my feet off the ground on the walls of my own (rented) home that I paid for with no financial contribution from him, despite him living there full time. This was in Nevada, and when he would call the cops on me, I would explain this to them and they basically told me "it takes a while (6 months?!) for the paperwork so just keep waiting." When they finally charged him with felony strangulation, me not getting served to show up in court was enough for them to drop the charges completely. Fast forward and I've stayed with this guy for years despite literally kicking him out once a week saying "this is the last time," despite literally hating him, despite wanting to be with anyone else, even if I'm alone forever. I tried to leave, but he always manipulates his way back in. "Can I just come stay for a few days?" "Can I come cook you dinner and clean the house?" It sounds so weak to type out, but when he's asking for something with every message, sending 200 a day, it just wears you down and you just want it to stop. So maybe this time will be different.
But this WWC episode was what I needed. The only details they had was that he "non-consentually strangled someone." Nothing more was said than what happened to me, and Ben & Ronnie sat there and talked about how disgusting and unforgivable it is, and it finally made me stop questioning, "was what happened to me really that bad? I didn't die or got to the hospital, and once I pretended I passed out, he dropped me on the floor so was it even that bad??" This minute or two of banter made me realize maybe I am a person that didn't deserve to be strangled. And as ridiculous as it sounds, I really needed to hear that. Because of this he's out of my home, his phone number is blocked, I've made it very clear that I'm done, and I'm going to stick with that when he tries to manipulate me to come back to my house. I may even listen to the episode again.
I'm not in this podcast for life advice, but this episode unexpectedly gave me the strength I needed and I'm so grateful for these boys ❤️🩹