AIO (31M) for thinking about breaking up with my girlfriend (29F) after she let her abusive ex and baby dad celebrate her kids birthday but I invited to come over after he left and cake was cut?
Warning: Potential trigger warning for domestic violence.
I (31M) have been dating my girlfriend (29F) for two years. She has twins who just turned three, and I have been helping raise them since they were 11 months old. Their biological father is barely involved. He doesn't financially help, shows up once every 3 or 4 months, drops off food, stays for 5 to 10 minutes, and leaves.
He was also physically and emotionally abusive to her in the past (he sent her to the hospital once) and even poured beer on one of the kids during a time when he was drunk when they were not even 1 year old, which makes it nearly impossible for me to be in the same place at the same time because I cannot respect anyone that does that. I've also told her that I don't want to hear about him and have asked her why does she want to talk to him after what he did to her, which she replies she wants the kids to eventually have a relationship with him.
Last week was her kids birthday. I kept asking my girlfriend what the plan was, and she kept saying she didn't know yet. The night before, she told me their father, her ex, was
going to come over at some point. I did not love the idea, but I was not going to make a scene. On the day of the birthday, I asked her if she needed me to bring a cake. That is when I found out they had already celebrated. I wasn’t thrilled much because I wanted to be a part of it but I
thought it was maybe my girlfriend and a family member or two had come over and
did it.
I got a text a couple hours later saying it was cool to come over (we don’t live together). When
I got there about 15 minutes later, one of the kids was already asleep and another one was awake but it was getting close to him going to sleep.
When I was putting one together, my girlfriend told me that it was her, the ex/baby dad, and his mom sang happy birthday, blew out candles and ate cake. He stayed over for a bit and left. I felt gutted, especially as my girlfriend told me how much fun they had blowing out the candles.
I just sat there quietly, feeling like I had been punched in the chest. I have been the one showing up every day. I have been the one doing the work. I have been the one acting like a father but the real dad who barely participates got the moment that actually means something.
I left early and told her I had a long day tomorrow. She asked if I was okay, and I lied and said yes. I am not. It’s been four days and we have barely spoken. All I have in my mind is the thought about being put in the background and if another event like a birthday or God forbid a move up ceremony or graduation happens, I would be left out. I am seriously considering ending things because this situation made me believe she does not see me as a real partner or parent figure, or maybe she still has some feelings for him. Am I overreacting for thinking about ending this relationship?
TLDR: Last week, my girlfriend let her barely involved ex have the main birthday moment with her
twins. I was excluded from the cake, candles, and celebration even though I have been raising them for two years. We have barely spoken since and I am thinking of breaking up. AIO for thinking aboutending things?