u/juliemysf

I went through a lot of struggles during my teenage years and early adulthood, and it all left me paralyzed; for a long time, I couldn't move forward. Although I did take a step toward progress late last year by getting a job, I’m slipping into a really bad downward spiral again. My mental health is terrible, and I’m thinking about giving up on everything because I am just so, so exhausted—yet at the same time, I’m afraid I might be sabotaging myself.

What I’d like to know is how I can move forward in terms of work and studies, because I feel like the window for building a career has already passed me by and I’m lagging far behind in everything.

I feel like I’ll never be able to fix that part of me that always makes it seem like something is missing. I was a very happy child for a long time, until—at some point—I stopped being that way and began having destructive and suicidal thoughts. Then came an enormous weight of responsibility—even though I was just a child—followed by family losses that caused me to sink even deeper into a struggle that had begun long before. It feels like nothing in my life makes sense, as if I were just a child playing at being an adult, even though I’m nearing my mid-twenties. A significant part of my life has already passed, and I haven't achieved anything yet. I spent so many years unemployed and without money of my own, and now that I finally have a job, I still feel so empty—as if it’s all pointless because my life has already gone by. I feel so insecure about life, relationships, and everything around me. It feels like nothing is truly mine and that I have nothing left. I simply can't understand why. I don't know why I can't relax, stop doubting, or stop thinking that I’m going to lose everything. Why does it always feel like something is missing? I can't make peace with myself, love myself, or even begin to understand who I am; at the same time, somewhere along this journey, I developed a real difficulty connecting with other people.