(just a long vent) my gaming addiction journey up to quitting
my gaming addiction started in 2020, first dbd mobile, then dbd, then overwatch. Prior to covid era march 2020 i was in college and was even studying abroad super engaged in life and hadn't had any gaming in my life whatsover since like maybe 2014 of a casual DS game or something. When i came back to my home life i felt like i deserved sth as fulfilling as my life abroad, which is where i started playing dbd mobile, got addicted, and even remembered exhausting myself gaming the day before my graduation ceremony and barely slept. In 2021 i got a new regular personal hp laptop, and to my surprise it could actually run steam games decently well, something completely new i never had access to before as my old laptop couldn't run and i was a console gamer as kid. Then came an even higher addictive environment of social multiplayer, progression and constant new content, and access to playing games always just sitting conveniently on my desk and not a console anymore, and there was no "pay to play online" for pc, everything was just too convenient. I started building a small steam library of my fav games from childhood and it brought me so much comfort to know i could still have access to these games for life kinda (only spent $140 fortunately before i got too deep), but even with having all these "one and done" type childhood games i barely even touched them bc i was addicted to the social aspect and progression of games like DBD and Overwatch.
Fast forward, i literally struggled with game addiction off and on from 2020 up until now May 2026 at a disruptive intensity that i had never experienced before as child gamer. From feeling like i lost the amazing life abroad i just came back from in 2020, and since that foreign countries job opportunities for foreigners is very little and the main market being english teaching which is over saturated and low paid, i felt so much loss, anxiety, and uncertainty about going back in those circumstances, even though i want to go back so bad, that even the thought of it would cause me so much distress that i just wanted something to take my mind away from it. That's where gaming became my pacifier. A small silver lining is that i at least know it really isn't about the games themselves, DBD and Overwatch are very different games, but it literally just felt like trance and was never fullfilling, just stimulating. And there was even SO MUCH negative that came with it: i didn't resonate with more of the incel type rhetoric i was being exposed to from these gaming communities, i would get so upset being trash talked or camped/tbagged bc im so sensitive, and for both games im not even good! Was so average at DBD on both sides, and my FPS aim is so bad that i would mainly only play support in overwatch in silver. I had periods over the years of having friends hold my steam account for sometime so i didn't play, but once i moved onto overwatch from dbd the game was so much more addicting, quick, and more pallet-able to me that my cravings just got even worse, to the point where i would make an overwatch account, binge play more than intended and delete the account, and then in a few days to weeks make a new account. I did this with 3 different phone numbers until i ran out and had to buy a one time use number just to make an account again.
Which has finally brought me to today. After COUNTLESS times of repeating the same cycle with overwatch:
intending to play just 2-3 hours with a timer, shutting the timer off and just keep playing as i lose ability to stop and think why bother when i could just keep playing, and then wind up playing 8-12+ hours straight, ruining my sleep schedule, missing responsibilities, having dry red bloodshot eyes, hands cramp, body cramps and feel so exhausted for like 2 days like a hangover, send a steam deletion request, recover after a day or 2 and cancel the deletion just to binge again even though i tried to resist. It has felt so awful. I could never last the 30 days it takes to delete my steam account and i couldn't delete my overwatch account as i couldn't login to delete it. But just now, after just finally looking for some guidance i asked chatgpt how can i stick out the 30 days so i can stop playing for good, it guided me to the solution to create a new random email entirely, generate a crazy long name and password and don't save it, then tie it to my steam account, activate the steam 30 day deletion, then log out of the non saved email, kind of like tieing the account to a rock and throwing it into the ocean. So as of now i have no access the log back into that steam account and my deletion request will finally go through. It has taken up so much of my mental energy everyday wondering if i will play, what if i just reward myself on the weekends? What if i set up a parental control time limit and maybe i could moderate this time? Maybe i'll play after my workout? These thoughts take up so much space 24/7 that even having to willingly abstain from video games while technically having access to them just ate away at me, so it finally feels freeing to know that i don't have to wonder anymore and i've made a permanent decision. I had about 1,000 hours in overwatch, just for this account, in total over the other accounts it would have been even more. Acquired some cool skins but thankfully never spent money on them as i had always knew i would one day have the willpower to quit again. I know that having all the skins/cosmetics/progress deleted will deter me from playing again bc that is a big loss in video game terms and that was a big part of the addiction for me was the collection. it still hurts a lot to see ive fallen behind friends, but realistically i know for myself, and even anyone else who lost some time to their gaming addiction, that we can all bounce back and make a better life for ourselves at any point. And it's really important to just face and process that hurt head on, because avoiding the hurt is exactly what would kick me back into playing video games! It really is just about not reaching for that thing you used to reach for (games), we can find something else. Even among these years of off and on gaming addiction, i still practiced and learned other skills, not as much as i could have, but there was still positive growth through this time of having gaming be a wedge of struggle in my life. It's gonna be a bit hard, but honestly the worst of it really only lasts just about a month or so until my brain rebalances a bit, and ive found this to be true personally and research on dopamine and the brain lends to this as well. There can still be urges after this point, but during this first month it quite literally is meant to feel paintful to not play and feel like playing is the only option, but that is the brain trying to balance out its pain-pleasure balance and the only thing to do is just stick it out and find something else to do. and i do feel a bit of grief knowing i can't hold onto this comforting concept of having a big game library of all my childhood games, but a silver lining to this is that fortunately watching lets players play games doesn't trigger me to want to play much, so i can at least enjoy those games in a responsible vicarious way with some commentary on the side. I also REALLY look forward to making my next near future laptop purchase more wisely now as to make sure to buy one that CANNOT run computer games, because having that boundary in place would literally solve my problem immediately and so solidly as gaming wouldn't even be an option anymore. Don't expect anyone to read this, but it just feels so necessary and relieving to vent and feel like I'm finalizing quitting gaming and I even look forward to getting back into therapy just to process this gaming addiction journey and put it to rest. It always felt so unserious to me to be addicted to gaming because I thought well at least it's not something real like drugs or alcohol, but it has been just as damaging. so I'm glad to be kicking it out and taking it seriously and wish everyone trying to quit the strength do the same.