I need advice but also kind of a vent
I have an emergency psych appointment tomorrow and it’s currently 10:50pm so I don’t know if I can get advice or some perspectives before then but I figured I’d try. I’ve had BPD diagnosed since I was 18 and bipolar 2 and ADHD since I was 15. I’ve tired medication almost all of them. You name it (SSRI and atypical antipsychotic) and I’ve tired them. I also want to say I genuinely gave them a good chance and took them for at least 6 months at the max dose.
I am also way better at writing my feelings than saying them so I wrote a whole thing that I will share with my psychiatrist tomorrow. After you’ve read it if there is any meds you’ve tired and how they’ve made you feel I’m maybe even hoping to try SNRI’s. I get extremely exhausted because I care about everything all at once always. From global issues to how the person next to me preserves me and I need a lot of attention and I avoid relationships at all costs bc I spiral very severely into my depression. Also sorry for the spelling and grammar mistakes I was crying while writing it out. (I also mostly talk about my depression and suicidal ideation so TW)
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So here’s the thing. I feel like when I go to therapy and when I see a doctor my symptoms aren’t taken seriously. Maybe it’s partly my fault for not always being able to explain or unwilling to explain I guess. I feel a lot of shame and I feel it even more now because I’ve been self harming again and I mean the last time was in October so it’s not like it’s been super long but I just feel silly because I’m 27 and I have the same coping skills of an 11 year old (me). I make myself feel better about it because harm reduction is key and self harming is better than suicide. I think I’m not taken as seriously because I hold down a job, because I finished my degree, because I do things to function.
I am the daughter of immigrants. I’ve never known different. I can’t not work I can’t not function that isn’t an option. It doesn’t compute in my brain. So instead I do the things I’m supposed to do. Because they’re expectations and I’ve always done what’s expected of me even if it took me longer. What is harder to see is When I pray that I get hit on the way to work and I die. When I don’t shower for weeks I use dry shampoo and change my clothes every very day. When I don’t eat or eat too much. When I don’t brush my teeth because in my brain that’s my way of saying I’m dying inside. When I hurt myself to keep going. When I drink 3 bottles of wine because it’s “socially acceptable” and cutting isn’t. When I crave the high I used to have in high school when I did pills.
My old therapist because I no longer see her basically said that my depression isn’t so bad and that it’s mainly my BPD mood swings that are affecting me because I can do things and it’s mostly habits. That it’s these habits that’s I’ve just done my whole life. That I just needed to learn new ones. Right but I want to kill myself 98% of the year. I feel this heaviness that anchors my body to my bed or the floor or just the spot I am in and I can’t move. Because moving feels like pulling out my teeth one by one. If I go to work that’s all I can do in one day. I can’t go to the store I can’t cook dinner. I can’t do another thing because it feels like I’m pulling myself apart trying to function. I can’t do or be around people because any change of tone or facial expression or look makes me feel like I’m being seen for the complete crazy person I am. And on meds it’s 80-90% of the time. I miss days off of work every week because sometimes I think if I drive to work will I run my car Into a wall? If I go today and I do something wrong, or my boss gives me a correction. Or if I upset my coworkers and suddenly my brain convinced me I’m stupid and I don’t know how to do a single thing, will I kill myself?
Recently my wanting to die has been closer to 98% and I don’t want to kill myself because I know there are moments worth living for I’ve had them. But they’re always short lived and every time I spend time with family or friends and I leave them I feel so empty and alone. I just cannot continue my life wanting to die 98% of the time. And I’ve taken the SSRI’s and I’ve taken the anti psychotics and my stimulants. Every time I said I felt good I meant I just didn’t want to die 98% of the time. Because good is subjective. Good might mean I shower everyday and I do things more than once a day or I can do everything. But good for me meant I wasn’t constantly suicidal. But I’ve always self harmed on my meds and I’d don’t want to share that because of the shame. I still can’t eat or eat to much. I still can’t regulate my emotions. I still couldn’t get out of bed everyday. I still couldn’t walk my dog everyday let alone twice a day. I still felt heaviness in my body everyday.
I want to be able to take my dog for a walks. I want to be able to do more than one thing a day. I want to be able to finish another degree. I want to do so many things. But I also deeply 80-98% of the time want to die. So I need help.
And on Friday I had a mental breakdown because I really wanted to die. Usually when I cry my dog comes and comforts me. So I got up and I started calling for him. And he wouldn’t come and he didn’t make a noise. And then I kind of lost touch with reality I think because I got very paranoid and I thought “is my dog even real?” “Did I make up all these memories?” “Maybe it’s not that he didn’t want to sleep in my room maybe he doesn’t exist.” This went on for 10 minutes and then I remembered he’s my lock screen and once I saw him I realized I wasn’t imagining anything and I found him under my parent’s bed. “