The cannon event of avoidant v. anxious attachment style
Hi, I’m writing this because I’ve been on reddit scrolling and looking for advice about a situation there are HUNDREDS of stories about, but it seems like there never really is an answer. I understand every person and their situation is individual and unique, but it kind of seems like this conversation/situation is so prominent and no one ever finds a logical conclusion. I know most things in life don’t have any one real answer, but it feels like this specific situation is often misunderstood or unable to be explained.
!!important info- I’m not neurotypical and I like to come to conclusions logically, emotional explanations/reactions do not resonate with me, it’s just not who I am and frankly it doesn’t make sense to me most of the time. If you’re going to give me advice (please do btw), please keep that in mind. I’m looking for a real logical explanation for this occurrence that happens between avoidant and anxious attachment styles. Thank you.
I’m a young woman in my early twenties, and I’ve come to know that I have an avoidant personality/attachment style, especially when met by someone with anxious attachment. It’s obvious that every time this combination happens, (I’ve seen it in every story), the avoidant person feels suffocated by the more clingy-type of person. The styles just don’t really match up. Mainly I see people try to paint out avoidant personalities as villains (probably the people with anxious attachment giving those types of replies, because ultimately they never understand an avoidant even when they demand to be understood). I see advice that says basically “you can’t cut someone off because they’re more lovely/clingy than you because it’ll hurt their feelings BECAUSE they’re so lovely/clingy.”So where is the two-way stream? Why should I, as a person who likes low maintenance people and lower-emotional waves subject myself to someone that makes me uncomfortable to spare THEIR feelings? It seems like all the answers, or at least the majority, says you as the avoidant person need to be the bigger person and basically coddle the person who has anxious attachment style. It feels like being forced to be somewhat of the game handler in the relationship and the whole problem is I don’t want to be anybody’s game handler. That just doesn’t add up for me and it doesn’t seem fair. It feels like- “The person makes me uncomfortable, why does everyone want me to train them into being my friend?”. I feel like I shouldn’t have to virtually *teach* someone how to be my friend if it’s just incompatible. I don’t want to go for years in a friendship constantly having to say “boundary boundary boundary” to someone when I just don’t like how they operate. What is the point in maintaining a friendship where you have to constantly be something you don’t want to be? Why are we acting like we HAVE to make something work that doesn’t? Friendship should be natural and easy, that’s what I think. Seriously what am I missing or not understanding here? I only ever see people tell the avoidant that they’re pretty much in the wrong, but why have I never seen anyone tell an anxious person that they’re in the wrong? Why do their feelings ultimately rule over mine because their feelings are louder?