Have a problem and don't know what to do now.
Hey guys and galls. I have a little bit of a problem by my own doing. For context I'm 37M.
Little backstory, met a girl, she has bipolar which I'm cool with. By cool I mean I started reading about, talking with her about it, and I accepted that I like her and I can do it. After 4 dates she was a little bit colder, changing job and her mother landed at hospital with brain hemorrhage. I was supportive, she asked for a time alone to get everything together. I was like ok, so it's my time now to work on myself.
Now little backstory about me. I was always distant to people, very pragmatic, some time ago (like 10-15 years ago) had a lot of friends, now like 5. I was cool with it, had my best friend and everything is ok.
So now with the story, when she wanted some time for herself, like I said I started working on myself. Started reading "loving someone with bipolar", watching a lot of videos about bipolar. After hearing that she will need slot of support from me I started watching a lot of videos about self care, about issues, being positive etc. And as it happens I had some issues. No idea how but worked out few of them, now I'm allowing myself to feel emotions, and for few days it was like I woke up from being asleep for pas 20 or so years. I appreciate a lot of normal things, stopped drinking to feel anything, almost stopped gaming just to pass time on autopilot. I even worked out my feelings about death of my mother (after 5 years, but it worked out, great)
And now, she texted me yesterday about her mother, she died. Wanted to help her, was supportive, not judging. She told me that if not for bipolar she would ended her life day after her mother died (3 days before she texted me). And now, because I don't have my normal wall around me, and I can feel emotions that I don't now what to do with.
What do I do? Tried putting my walls back up, bo that ship sailed. And now I don't know, I'm angry, exhausted, anxious