Do I have every right to kill myself at this point?
For context, I'm between 16-17 years old and I am, of course, male.
Anyway, this is going to sound selfish, but I think I've came to the consensus that I want to kill myself. Not right now, but at some point, particularly before I turn 18 so I can die a 'child' (before 18) and say that I lived the best part of life: childhood.
Why am I killing myself, you may ask? I feel like I was doomed from the start. Witnessing parent's fighting verbally and, in rare cases, physically. In pre-K, I held a LEGO flag up like a gun and got in trouble for it. I remember being at most 4 and crying to my mom because I was bleeding profusely and she refused to help me because I was in trouble. Basically, been taught my opinions or feelings will never matter in any context. I've been exposed to gory, graphic content and first-person shooter games since at least 2014. I feel like I've always had some sort of behavioral issues, and my parents never checked me out for it, either.
Speaking of that, my parents refused to check me out on a lot of things. To keep things short, I most likely suffer from a variety of mental disorders and illnesses, but I don't know what ones because my mom thinks my 25% Asian heritage makes me immune. Dad thinks I'm too tough to be "threatened" by stuff like that so it's automatically out the window. My dad also is very masculinity-obsessed (refers to me as "sir" all the time, history freak, etc.) and Christian. I started going through puberty, and I locked my door for privacy to do my own things. My dad believed I was either jacking off, looking at gay porn, or participating in it, which I don't. He would constantly yell at me for locking my door to the point of me physically shaking and crying. Strangely, he tries getting me into porn so he can have a reason to kick me out as soon as I turn 18. To this day, he still thinks that I watch porn and goes far to a point where he thinks it's "CP" that I'm watching.
If you couldn't tell, weirdly enough, my dad favors his daughters over his sons. He finds it necessary to compete with men 40-50 years younger than him for whatever reason. He likes being in control but knows no one in the house takes him seriously because he's just an alcoholic who's abused everyone in some sort of way. If he sees me having fun, he immediately gives me a useless chore to do. Constantly asks stupid stuff like, 'What are you watching on your phone?' like I'd be dumb enough to watch porn and start beating the beanstalk in the middle of a crowd.
My mom's cool but also has her downs. She doesn't really want to care for me and would rather care for her 100 inside and outside cats that I sometimes have to deal with, too. She finally treated me for something: my acne that's been clawing at my physical and mental health for four years but only did it because my brother had his treated, so she wanted it all out the way (still something I guess). Tried telling my siblings about some conditions I might have but they either laugh at me or yell at me. She likes complaining to me about what's going on in her life, but when it comes to me, the conversation's basically over.
To sum it up, my parents exhibit some signs that show they were probably never meant for children, at least not the amount they birthed (10)
I also don't 100% enjoy being male. I feel like I would, but my environments kinda shaped my opinion. Dad's rude to me because of it and I don't feel safe sharing my feelings like most men. I feel so weak and alienated after saying "I'm scared" or something like that. If I got a haircut my siblings would ignore me or laugh and it made me insecure, so the same can go for me saying I'm depressed or just "not normal". I struggle with food a lot; walking past my siblings with a plate of food makes me feel like a greedy obnoxious pig that deserves nothing but a slap across the face for even thinking it deserved something to eat. This could be related to my really bad social anxiety and/or paranoia. Only my sister gets sympathy for hers because she's a female and I'm a disgusting male who supposedly has everything figured out. This same specific sister gets babied a lot. She skips out on her chores all the time because she works as a clerk. I try being positive for once and joke about skipping my chore and I get yelled at. Her dog rips up something of hers and I'm forced to pay for it because I apparently looked after the dog last when I was just sitting in the living room with it, NOT EVEN PAYING ATTENTION TO IT. I get treated like this all the time yet I'm foolish enough to still show love for my family for some reason. I tell myself, "They hurt you, don't help them", but picturing them sad, or just anyone, makes me upset. I help them, they don't say thank you, but at least they're happy. I constantly worry if my life would've been better if I was born female. I feel like I would have friends, people would love me, and things like that. I could share my opinions without being hated because I'd be pretty. I could vent my feelings without feeling weird.
Also, not entirely important, but I've been suicidal since 11. I remember going outside at night and trying to hang myself with yarn. When I was 14, I wasn't technically TRYING to die, but I was testing to see how long it'd take for me to "pass out" by hanging and putting a plastic bag over my head and tightening it, and I was doing that 5 times a day at LEAST. I finally decided to try and kill myself when I was 14 in a forest but chickened out because I was sweating, unbearably hot, bugs, and I could hear people. Made a whole manual going over different suicide methods and saw that some people purposefully gave themselves STDS as a suicide method. I kinda piggybacked off of that and began living off a diet of 2-3 carbonated sodas and chips and stuff like that in hopes it'll trigger a health condition and I can die. Hasn't worked yet, the only results being undiagnosed diabetes that my parents yet again refuse to treat me for, and cavities. When I went to public school, I was forced to learn around 'bad' kids who talked about sex, rape, and shooting 24/7 like it was all that was programmed in their brain. I swore I'd never get bullied but during this time, I feel like I was. A rumor spread around that I was gay. I had my behind grabbed at times, which I'm not sure if that counts as assault. I was accused of saying the N-word. This made me more suicidal because I essentially feel like my life was ruined, like I lost that little bit of innocence I tried to hoard for as long as I could, like I lost at a game or something.
Last but not least, my family have a weird fixation on animals. They bought 3 dogs and 5 kittens. They adopt a dog and get bored, so they adopt another. I don't know what's gonna happen when my dad retires, stays home 24/7 to yell, and they'll be 50 dogs and cats running around costing at least a thousand bucks a month. I'm starting to hold a grudge between every single one of them even though I have "custody" of three of the kittens. The cats brought large amounts of fleas into the house. We had to make small renovations here and there to make it easier for this one dog to climb of the stairs. Mind you, this dog wasn't even 2 years old at the time, and I felt like it was faking it so it can be carried up because it STILL whines barks and cries at the bottom from time to time. I feel like these animals are loved more than me and I envy them so much. They're loud and everything. I miss when I had a house and not a zoo. I stay in my room practically all day to avoid seeing 'reality' and my parents scratch their head as to why.
To sum it up, I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate living. I don't know how to cope. I don't know how to react to things healthily. I write poetry but it doesn't help a whole lot. But thank you for reading every word I wrote.