u/kayla_baylah

Let me be cleeeeeear, I am not asking for sympathy, I’m asking for a side you rarely see.
As the WW, I always see threads about how long BP wait for WP to wake up. I’m wondering, when the WP is putting in all the effort they can, asking for therapy or even just a talk rather than complete avoidance aside from notes….how long is too long to wait?
I’m not saying this from a want to pressure BP side.
I’m saying this as we both need some sort of structure and the last 3 months has only been him saying he’s done and over, no legal movement but also no movement towards repair.
When I suggest therapy together or legal action as this limbo is getting insane for us both and confusing he says he’s 1000% sure in his choices, but yet there’s never any movement and he knows he holds all the financial power.
I let my lawyer make contact with him via email, which we found he has no lawyer, after feeding me the “I have a lawyer” days after rupture happened and “you don’t get to speak to my lawyer” whenever I move with him on actually separating.
He has said he’d deal with it this day and it’s passed, then another day and it’s passed..
I told him divorce still isn’t the route I would like but wanted to open that avenue for him since he seems to always say he wants that. Still no movement. So now I’m like is it a huge betrayal to serve him?
I get I don’t deserve shining clarity or cooperation from him, I’m just trying to navigate this with both our psychological health in mind and not mess up any chance for reconciliation there may be.
At what point does waiting for an avoidant, emotionally wounded partner become psychologically damaging for both people?

For those asking, I’m not sure how to edit my profile settings but here is the link to my previous post!

https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/s/HbxfB9vA6p

*This is a follow up to my previous posts here*

https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/s/wj5iTBapeY

I am a few days out from our second round of no contact being over, this time it was a month vs 2 weeks. We’ve left notes back and forth like before. He was sick so I made him a few dozen cups of tea and hollered to let him know that it was there each time if he wanted them. He drank most of the tea I made each time, sometimes multiple times a day. I can’t seem to turn off that aspect of me.
He mentioned the other day in a note he left he’d like me to leave, he feels like a hostage in his own home and he’d buy me out. He has said this before. I reminded him that I asked him to have his lawyer reach out if that’s something he wanted and he chose this period of a “long term break of no contact”. He simply wrote back “you don’t get to speak to my lawyer”.
I understand I’m the WW, so I don’t get to complain or express negative emotions but this has been ongoing officially for 3 months now. And it’s impossible to convince him to sit and have a conversation with me about anything let alone be in the same room as me.
My friend is my acting lawyer, I asked her to send him a email just to say she’s retained and all that standard stuff, but I’m pretty terrified it’ll blow all chances of reconciliation.
I’m not sure if I’ll regret it if it does or feel relief if it brings clarity. I just know one of us has to pull us both from this limbo. I’m also worried it’ll send the wrong message as I’ve been consistently asking for therapy and reconciliation.

I posted about a week ago explaining the state of my marriage
I’m wondering if any BS can speak to the new developments and tell me if this is “normal”, so I can stop asking AI.
We are about 3 weeks into my husband’s latest request for a “long term break of at least a month of no contact”. We’ve been in limbo for 3 months nearly now with him pushing back any movement. Other than that we avoid one another on separate floors, but text often (before no contact). 2 months ago he had two weeks of no contact and said after he was confident in his choice to separate.
He is still funding our joint bank account, sharing our dog, recently he’s been accepting more care from me (he’s been sick so I made him tea and soup, let him know it was there) and his nana called to invite me to an event which I found the most confusing as I was sure the family would have known by now as his mother was heavily involved in all this
I guess I’m looking for advice from someone on the other side as to if this is normal or if it contradicts his stance he has been giving me?

I may get eaten alive for posting this, but I’m here to get advice and be a better human and hopefully partner.

I’m also sorry in advance if I trigger any one :(

My husband 32M and I 30F have been together 13 years, married 12. We had a major rupture about 6 years ago that I think is relevant to what’s happening now.

At that time, I was struggling emotionally with jealousy around others having babies (we are in a very christian environment and there’s pressure) and grief from a miscarriage before I met him. I did go to him about it, but his response was very dismissive: he told me I shouldn’t be upset over something that “shouldn’t have happened” and that he wouldn’t have married me if I had already had a child. That shut me down emotionally.

Instead of continuing to try to work through it with him, I crossed a boundary and confided in the ex that was involved with the miscarriage. That caused a serious breach of trust. We went to therapy after that and stayed together, but in hindsight I don’t think trust was ever fully rebuilt.

Fast forward to now: about 10 weeks ago, everything blew up again. I crossed a line in my marriage through inappropriate communication and emotional reliance on another man (a former gay coworker). I fully own that this was wrong and damaging.

The situation escalated because my husband secretly recorded a conversation I had with my mom. In that conversation, I was in a very anxious and paranoid state and used language that made it sound like I had physically cheated and mentioned an accusation my husband approached me with citing I am pregnant (I am not). I understand how it sounded and why it hurt him deeply.

Since hearing that recording, he is completely convinced that I had a physical affair and carrying a baby this is not his. I have consistently denied that, but he believes I am lying. I have shown verified lab tests that I am not. I have offered OB records.

Since then:

- We live in the same house but on separate floors

- Communication is mostly by text and often escalates

- He says things like “there is zero chance of reconciliation” and “goodbye”

- He hasn’t taken concrete steps like involving a lawyer or fully separating finances

- He continues to engage in arguments and monitor things like location/read receipts

On my end, I have:

- Taken responsibility for crossing emotional boundaries.

- Started therapy on my own

- Cut off contact with the gay guy

- Offered transparency (location sharing, phone access- which he blocks at all costs)

- Tried to focus on consistent behavior instead of just words

- Tried to respect his space while still being open to repair

Right now we are stuck in a loop where he is trying to prove his version of events and I am trying to be honest about mine, and it goes nowhere.

I know I broke trust. I’m not minimizing that. I’m trying to understand if there is still something here to work with.

He’s been increasingly cruel and harsh with his words. He refuses to speak to me in person. He has helped me get out of snow in yard which was positive. He will occasionally accept food or snacks from me if I let him know they are there. He keeps pushing back lawyer movement when I agree. He’ll say I’m not seeing our dog one day, then leave him with me the next.

I’ve been begging for in person conversation. It has been declined.

We are currently 10 days into a second round of no contact, at his request. Although, he leaves notes around the house to communicate.