Family Issue
I, 33F, and my brother (who we'll call H), 36M, have been getting into arguments. My older brother (who we'll call S), 37M, and our parents are telling me to be the bigger person and to have calm discussions with H.
Some background. I have lived with my parents after graduating college. First due to finances, then to be with my grandma and helping her and my parents as she got old. I've recently had 2 back surgeries in the past 6 months and am finally starting to have the energy to get back to normal. That being said, there are still a lot of things I cannot do because my surgeon wants to be extra cautious after this surgery.
Now H has moved in because he couldn't find a job where he was and had quit his job 6 months prior. He's been with us since before Thanksgiving and started a job a couple weeks ago. While I was recovering from my second surgery, I wasn't allowed to bend, twist or do anything to aggravate my low back or lift more than 5lbs. I asked H to take care of the animals for the full 6 weeks. The animals were goats, sheep, geese and livestock dogs. He asked for $10/day since it took about half an hour morning and night. He asked me to make a list of the duties and never asked for me to show him how to do any of it.
4 weeks after my surgery, H starts making comments about how I don't help around the house, he's the one taking care of my animals and how lazy I am. At 4 weeks, I started working remotely because I knew I still needed a lot of breaks from sitting in a chair.
6 weeks after, I saw my surgeon and he still wanted me to take it easy. Don't overdue anything and be careful with twisting, lifting and squatting. Knowing this, I planned to talk with my family and see about me slowly taking my animals care back over. Then, the same day I saw my doctor, I came home and 3 of our dogs ran out the gate. I pulled up to our gate, saw no dogs, started opening the gate and got out to grab a package. While I was walking back to my car, I saw one dog run out. This is my dad's dog, who we don't let out front because he will always run out the gate to get a car ride. Whenever he does run out, you can only catch him by getting your car and he will jump in. If you try to grab him on foot, he will run away from you.
I went and parked, seeing a dog following me and not knowing the others ran out. Since I knew I had to go grab this dog with my car, I went to take the package inside first. While doing this, H is walking out the gate and yelling at me "What are you doing? Aren't you going to help me get the dogs you let out?" I told him I'd be right back, I was simply dropping these things off. His reply "Get your truck and come fucking help me with your dogs." I was not happy with the way he was talking to me and knowing he was being dumb going out the gate without a car to get the dog. I went out to the gate because I was going to leave him to get my dads dog. Both of the other dogs were at the gate by the time I got out there (they rarely go far and after about 5 mins want back in). H ends up calling me twice, which I declined because I couldn't handle him screaming profanities at me. He called mom and said I was being a bitch so I got in my truck and went to get the dog. H put the dog in the car and then walked back home without a word.
Later, he texts me "What you did was irresponsible". My reply "Yes. You having that dog out front knowing I would be coming home from work soon was irresponsible." His reply "How am I supposed to know when you come home. No one has ever told me what time you come home and you always come home at different time. Also, I was trying to get the dog back inside after he ran out the front door." I later told mom, if he had been nice about it, asking if I was going to help or if I knew the dogs ran out, I would have been a lot more willing to help him. The fact that he instantly starting with attitude, yelling and cussing at me, made me want nothing to do with him.
H gets upset the next day because I 'kicked the dog in the face'. I was coming home and opened the door with my hands full. Our dogs were in the way and I told them to back up. When one didn't, I put my foot in his face and pushed him back a little to make some room. I told H this, but then he yelled at me and mom that I'm abusing this dog by kicking them in the face.
That weekend I decided to take over caring for my animals since I could tell he wasn't going to calm down and I wouldn't able to be around him for long with his anger. While I'm doing morning chores, he comes out upset saying "So you're taking back over chores? Some communication would be nice." My reply, "Since you can't talk to me like I'm a human and without attitude, I don't want to communicate with someone like that." We essentially got into a giant argument, while I'm trying to finish chores. He hits the barn door off it's hinge, screaming that he asked me to pay him $5/day and that even at $10/day isn't minimum wage (we are in Texas where minimum wage is still $7.25/hr) and that it was only to take care of the goats, not the other animals or anything extra. Then he proceeded to call me obese and said that the reason I had to have surgeries is because I don't know how to take care of myself or listen to my doctors. (I have been dealing with nerve pain for 5 years, working with my PCP, pain management, physical therapists, chiropractor, acupuncturist to attempt to prevent it from getting worse until my disc herniated and the only option was surgery.)
This brings us to a couple days ago. We've continued to have issues with dogs running out the gate and H kept yelling at me to fix it. My dad had a conversation with me, asking what my plan was and I told him and he agreed to it. My dad and I started working with his dog and we've been having a lot less of the outside dogs running out now that he is no longer running out. We've been training him with a shock collar that has a shock, vibrate and sound option. Since we were having success, I bought 2 more to have for our outside dogs. When they came in, I adjusted them to the dogs and let them get accustomed to them for a couple days. One of the dogs runs away from you the second she thinks you're trying to grab her and the other has started to learn this behavior so I wanted them already on when I started training. Then H comes home one day and tossed the shock collar on me, saying "This is way too tight on him" and walks away. I went back out and double checked the collar, but it was exactly how it was supposed to be so I put it back on him. The next day, I go to train with them and notice neither has their collars on. When dad and H come home, dad tells me that H has their collars and that he is very upset about it and we need to have a conversation and he wants to be present during it. I agreed because I didn't feel safe around H.
The conversation went him claiming I'm abusing these dogs, shock collars are illegal in other countries and that he's going to call the cops if I continue to abuse the animals. I told him, they aren't his dogs, it's not his property and he's the one complaining that they are running out the gate and I haven't done anything about it. Then when I try to do something about it, he prevents me from doing it. Which I debated and did lots of research before ever buying a shock collar, which I got one that has a vibrate and shock. I tried for a long time to get my own dog to stop jumping with positive reinforcement or putting her away when she's bad. It wasn't until I got the collar, that she finally started to think before jumping on anyone. I don't enjoy using them and I have tried them on myself. I've also done tons of my own research and trying different training techniques on my personal dog and on our farm dogs. I still do tons of positive reinforcement, but sometimes with certain behaviors, you need that quick, jarring movement that is uncomfortable for them to think twice before doing again.
The day I had to spend dedicated time to train with them (I wanted a day when I wasn't working to start so that they had a basic understanding when I didn't have a day off) was now wasted because he assumed and stole my property. He also complained about the stalls in the barn and how they aren't cleaned out, which I told him that I did know, but I can't do anything about since I am recovering from surgery. I also don't have them locked in their stalls and they are out a lot. I then asked why he didn't clean them when he was taking care of them or why didn't he bring this up then. He said, he didn't know the law and that wasn't something I asked him to do. I ended up asking him to give me the collars back since I paid for them and they are my property. He would not give them back to me until I said I would use them properly and if he saw me abusing them again, that he would throw them away. While this is going on, our parents are getting in the middle while he's yelling at me, then yelling at me, then storming off to his room and banging on doors. It took him 5 mins to even find the collars to give them back to me.
Our older brother, S, then is texting me yesterday, since he doesn't live with us. First, he tells me to ignore H. Then he starts asking lots of questions and telling me that you don't argue with H and you ask him lots of questions instead, that if I'm getting upset and can't stay calm and rational is my problem, that I'm using a lot of 'mental health lingo' and using it as a crutch and if I have tried to talk to H and give him some advice. That H and S talked during the holidays, H was receptive and willing to hear what S was saying. I asked, but has he done anything? S said, "no, but at least there's a desire and that's the first step."
Our mother understands that H digs into what he believes and whatever he believes, he believes 100% and won't listen to anyone else. She tells me that I need to have compassion for him and understand his side and he's simply doing what he thinks is best for these animals.
Am I wrong in feeling upset about someone accusing me of abusing animals? In feeling unsafe around a person because of their anger, but the family says 'he would never call the cops. He would never hit you.' I'm not saying how I've reacted to him is the best course of action I could have had, but am I wrong for being upset and frustrated with someone that will not budge from what they believe?
Side note: I am empathic and feed off others energy. When I feel anger, it causes my stress and anxiety to rise and causes my stomach to become nauseous. The best thing to do for myself is to remove myself from their presence.