u/kel174

I have been with my narc for 13 years. The only people who know that he was diagnosed as such are my parents and his family. Yet neither of them see the constant abuse despite me bringing it up, desperately looking for support from any of them. They just don’t get it. No one does until they actually go through what I have gone through. I am just so angry at everyone. I called 911 not too long ago the day before my birthday because I was truthfully having the scariest thoughts in my head and needed to get away from him. Like every single year, he does nothing for my birthday, nothing for Valentine’s Day, buys me zero gifts for any occasion. So the day before my birthday I had a huge melt down. I had never cried that hard in my life. I was laying on the bathroom floor with the horrible thoughts circling my brain. I just didn’t want to exist anymore. I didn’t want my birthday to come just to be reminded of how he doesn’t care. EMS arrive to my house, they made me feel worse, took me to the hospital and mental health staff saw no issues after discussing the abuse. I can’t even begin to describe how I feel, it feels like I have been failed by every adult that knows of my situation. I know I can make my own choices and changes in life, but no one else sees how deeply withdrawn I am from life or reacts to my cries for help.

With him, I am always wrong. I will never be right. I am always the problem, he never is. The things I say are twisted and shoved back in my face. Conversations don’t exist anymore, my voice is almost never heard by him. I am just living in the background of his life. I don’t just feel but know I am mostly here still as someone he can have sex with. Beyond that, I question where the actual relationship is. There is none. I am here when he needs something. This isn’t a life to be lived. I have no friends anymore because of him. He won’t allow me to get a job. I’ve had one actual job that he chose for me because he knew it would be all women co workers. I have never had my drivers license because according to him “car insurance is too expensive” “you don’t want to drive and deal with people” “you can’t drive in the snow”. The excuses are endless. I met him when I was 18, he was 23. I am now in my early 30’s. I feel neglected and robbed of so many good years.

There is no physical attention unless he needs sex. He barely tries at that anymore either. His neglect and mental/emotional abuse has become worse in the last 2 years and the past year has been horrible. My mental state is suffering. I have had more negative thought and bad times plus times where I am balling my eyes out trying to hold on than I have good times. Our teen is suffering from the abuse now and I see the same signs of abuse in them that I didn’t start seeing in me for a few years after the abuse started. That’s how bad it is now. I try to protect them, but I shouldn’t have to teach a teen how to go about life living with a narc. It’s sad. It hurts. I feel trapped, lost and guilty of the situation with my teen.

There is so much to the story that I wish I could convey or have people just watch a time lapse of my brain. I desperately want to be heard or seen by anyone. My life feels like I am just pushing through a dark cloud and I can’t see more than a foot in front of me. At the same time I feel like I am drowning in my thoughts, especially bad ones. I think my mental state is as thin as it can get from the years of neglect and abuse.

I read through others posts or comments of other posts and am always brought to tears or begin sobbing realizing how a lot of what others are going through is the same as what I am going through and my heart breaks for us all.

I just want to be able to breathe again. I was once a very happy outgoing person who now doesn’t want to deal with others at all. Doesn’t care about much. Questions the last time they actually had a good day. Wonders if it’s worth asking a simple question today or should I just be silent for the day. I am mentally beaten down daily at this point. How much more can I withstand? I fear it’s very little at this point.

I just need a big hug from someone who gets it. I feel that would release so much of my pain. Why does it all have to hurt so much.