took off my hijab in january this year and i've been dressing more freely compared to before fr like crop tops and tshirts and tanktops, but it's been really weird trying to wear shorts or even midi skirts or capris😭 how does one transition to that, and how long did it take to not feel like a sharmuto, especially when u don't care what other women wear at allll??
Hellooo! This question has been on my mind for about a year now and I feel like I have no one to really talk to about this, so I thought I could share this here in case anyone has some advice for me!💕
I’m a medical student currently in the middle of a brutal exam session, and I’m trying to figure out if what I’m experiencing is just extreme academic burnout/stress, or if I actually need to be concerned.
I genuinely love my life for the most part. I have incredible, supportive friends, I’m working toward my dream career, and when I’m out with people, I genuinely laugh and have a good time. But whenever I’m alone or sitting at my desk late at night, my brain hits this wall of complete exhaustion.
I’ve been having these consistent passive thoughts of wanting to just stop existing. Nothing active AT ALL. I have zero plans, zero intent, and I would never actually do anything to myself. It’s more like a quiet wish that a truck would hit me, or that I could go to sleep and just skip the next few years or that I could just be done with everything forever.
I know I’ve been dealing with a lot, but I feel like I'm just being dramatic but I did have a pretty overwhelming childhood (bad family environment including SA from an immediate family member, emotional/physical neglect, mental illness in the house). But I personally think I totally worked through that. It barely affects me anymore, and I’ve moved past it. I have talked to plenty of my friends about my past and it never really affected me, I guess?
Whenever I hit a minor setback, like bombing even a minor practice exam or feeling inadequate in my personal life, the ideation comes back full swing. It feels like going from 0 to 100 in two seconds, even though logically I know a resit exam isn't the end of the world and I can keep trying as many times as I need.
I drink way too much caffeine, vape constantly, and my sleep schedule is completely wrecked because of studying. I know metabolic and cardiac issues run in my family, and whenever my heart starts skipping beats or racing from the stress/vaping, I just... freeze. For a few seconds, I don't call for help. I just sit there hoping it ends quickly and wondering who would find me first (definitely not my family lol). But then my heart settles, I snap out of it, roll my eyes at myself, and get back to studying.
I tried doing some online screeners just to see (PHQ-9, GAD-7, ACEs). I scored super high on depression and anxiety, but I feel like those tests are biased toward people who can't function. I am still showing up, passing (most) classes, making jokes, and enjoying my life when I'm not stuck in my head.
I tried talking to one of my oldest friends about this issue a few weeks ago, and maybe I just didn't word it properly, but they gave me some really good encouragement and stuff, but I really don't care for it. Now, I don't want to bother with telling anyone at all, because I don't want to burden them and I don't want to be mer with the same encouragement as with my close friend.
Isn't real depression constant? Since I have good weeks/months where I don't think about death at all, this is probably just severe burnout and exam-induced panic, right?
Has anyone else in med school/high-stress majors felt this exact disconnect?