My VUR story
I wanted to share my story here, I found this recently after googling to better understand what happened to me as a kid. For context, after I was potty trained, I started having repeated UTIs and accidents. At 5 I started peeing blood, and the pediatrican at the time started putting me on low dose of antibiotics. I continued to have UTIs, maybe once or twice a year, then at 7 I started getting kidney infections that were incredibly painful and consistent. My mom had to push to see a urologist, and they sent me to the hospital to take this test. I had a kidney infection at the time and they did not give me any pain medication or sedation (it was the 90s). I screamed in pain and couldn't do it, and a nurse had to convince me to continue while i cried. I felt violated and embarrassed, but as I was only 7 years old, I didnt really understand that was what I was feeling. I remember crying. I remember screaming. I remember the intense horror I felt. I remember feeling numb after. I was diagnosed with VUR stage 3. They wanted to monitor, as my mom felt nervous about the surgical option. For the next year, I would go to the hospital and play a video game that would help re train my bladder. I had to use the bathroom every 2 hours. I was in so much pain all the time, and because of the nature of the constant accidents, I was socially isolated by my peers. I would lie about having accidents because of how embarrassing it was, and as a kid I thought it was my fault. I did the test for a second time a year later and it healed. I was cured. My mom thought I was fine. I WAS fine. I just, seemed to move on.
7 years later my family moved across the country. On my first day of school, my body started shutting down whenever I was in a social situation. I couldn't talk, my whole body would freeze, I felt immense shame, that same feeling I had on that table. I felt like i was internally screaming. My face would turn beat red, and I would have a panic attack. At this point, I had no I idea I was having PTSD, and was diagnosed with general anxiety and depression. I started self harming and was hospitalized at 17. I never talked about my previous health issues, only that we moved across the country which is hard for any 15 year old. As far as I was concerned, I didnt recall or want to remember what I went through. I buried it so deep, it never even came up.
I would have these emotional flashbacks for years later and intense anger and emotional dysregulation. I struggled with relationships and an intense fear of rejection. I was diagnosed bipolar in my 20s.
Fast forward, I now have two boys and happily married. I havent had a panic attack in about 6 years and my anxiety and depression are both manageable, until I started potty training my son. I all of a sudden have been getting intense visual flashbacks about this procedure and an intense fear for my child. This is the first time i have acknowledge this part of my life and the first time i started remembering the procedure. I started to emphasize the need to make sure he doesnt feel any shame having an accident, to the point I get so incredibly anxious about it. It was then I knew I needed to go back to therapy and I was diagnosed with CPTSD. I have always been sad and angry and never knew why. Now I know why I am so sad and angry. I am angry it took so long to diagnose me. I am angry I didnt get pain medication or sedation for this barbaric procedure. I am angry they didnt reccomend therapy. I am angry I was told this was fine because its medicine. I am angry at the kids that bullied me. I am sad I felt so alone. I am sad that I was so sad. I am sad that I didnt understand that.
Im healing from this now, even though it took 30 years, and I am grateful to find that I am not alone. Thank you for this group.