r/VCUG_Unsilenced

why would you look at a procedure that causes the same levels of trauma as csa, and instead of changing/getting rid of the procedure, you decided, “Hey, lets study them to see how children remember trauma! This is ethical! :)” ???

I've noticed that fiction is so so helpful for healing, especially with similar triggering things. Film and nonfiction are great too, but a bit more difficult. It offers a sort of shield, like I'm looking things up to understand a character in a story and not to uncover my own traumas. Very very insightful and healing. Very easy to find on accident, with other traumatic events.

I tend to gravitate to characters with medical trauma, but it's never really close to VCUG. I think that slowly orbiting this topic in fiction, gradually getting closer to the real experience, could be helpful.

But I don't know of anything that seems to fit. Thought I'd ask in case anyone else is the same way.

This post is about a physician amplifying the voices of VCUG survivors.

If you haven't yet read Consented: A Doctor's Call To End Medical Violence And Reclaim Patient Autonomy, by Zed Zha MD, I would encourage you to check it out. I have found healing within it's pages.The author, who herself has lived experience of medical trauma, cuts through the BS and calls the denial and gaslighting around VCUG trauma "outrageous". When so many have remained silent and looked the other way, Zed Zha is taking a courageous stand.

For those who have read it, please can I encourage you to place a review on Goodreads/Amazon. This is how we, in turn, can help amplify the author's voice as she seeks to bring VCUG trauma to public awareness and boldly calls on her profession to make long overdue change to protect future generations of kids. Let's help this book have maximum impact! 😊

Every single time I try to google ‘vcug’ all that comes up is how it is a ‘painless yet uncomfortable medical test’ You have to dig pretty deep to find anything that tells you the true horrors of what happens. I find myself often enraged that to this day there is most often no numbing or sedation offered for such a traumatic procedure. I had my test done when I was 6, I wake up shaking and crying sometimes because I get flashbacks to the pain. I can’t be in any medical environment. I feel judged by healthcare professionals who can’t understand why I’m so scared, even though they are aware of my situation. Why is this not widely understood to be traumatic? How wouldn’t it be? I am sick to my stomach thinking about all the kids who have to go through that trauma to this day.

I wanted to share my story here, I found this recently after googling to better understand what happened to me as a kid. For context, after I was potty trained, I started having repeated UTIs and accidents. At 5 I started peeing blood, and the pediatrican at the time started putting me on low dose of antibiotics. I continued to have UTIs, maybe once or twice a year, then at 7 I started getting kidney infections that were incredibly painful and consistent. My mom had to push to see a urologist, and they sent me to the hospital to take this test. I had a kidney infection at the time and they did not give me any pain medication or sedation (it was the 90s). I screamed in pain and couldn't do it, and a nurse had to convince me to continue while i cried. I felt violated and embarrassed, but as I was only 7 years old, I didnt really understand that was what I was feeling. I remember crying. I remember screaming. I remember the intense horror I felt. I remember feeling numb after. I was diagnosed with VUR stage 3. They wanted to monitor, as my mom felt nervous about the surgical option. For the next year, I would go to the hospital and play a video game that would help re train my bladder. I had to use the bathroom every 2 hours. I was in so much pain all the time, and because of the nature of the constant accidents, I was socially isolated by my peers. I would lie about having accidents because of how embarrassing it was, and as a kid I thought it was my fault. I did the test for a second time a year later and it healed. I was cured. My mom thought I was fine. I WAS fine. I just, seemed to move on.

7 years later my family moved across the country. On my first day of school, my body started shutting down whenever I was in a social situation. I couldn't talk, my whole body would freeze, I felt immense shame, that same feeling I had on that table. I felt like i was internally screaming. My face would turn beat red, and I would have a panic attack. At this point, I had no I idea I was having PTSD, and was diagnosed with general anxiety and depression. I started self harming and was hospitalized at 17. I never talked about my previous health issues, only that we moved across the country which is hard for any 15 year old. As far as I was concerned, I didnt recall or want to remember what I went through. I buried it so deep, it never even came up.

I would have these emotional flashbacks for years later and intense anger and emotional dysregulation. I struggled with relationships and an intense fear of rejection. I was diagnosed bipolar in my 20s.

Fast forward, I now have two boys and happily married. I havent had a panic attack in about 6 years and my anxiety and depression are both manageable, until I started potty training my son. I all of a sudden have been getting intense visual flashbacks about this procedure and an intense fear for my child. This is the first time i have acknowledge this part of my life and the first time i started remembering the procedure. I started to emphasize the need to make sure he doesnt feel any shame having an accident, to the point I get so incredibly anxious about it. It was then I knew I needed to go back to therapy and I was diagnosed with CPTSD. I have always been sad and angry and never knew why. Now I know why I am so sad and angry. I am angry it took so long to diagnose me. I am angry I didnt get pain medication or sedation for this barbaric procedure. I am angry they didnt reccomend therapy. I am angry I was told this was fine because its medicine. I am angry at the kids that bullied me. I am sad I felt so alone. I am sad that I was so sad. I am sad that I didnt understand that.

Im healing from this now, even though it took 30 years, and I am grateful to find that I am not alone. Thank you for this group.