r/VCUG_Unsilenced

So much of my childhood makes sense now.
People don’t think 4 year olds would remember much. But that’s when your memory is at an all time high. It’s a sponge. You are learning how to speak an entire language and do so at a speed no adult can. You learn how to run, you learn who your friends and family are.
How come something as traumatic as being basically tortured. Is brushed off like you’d forget?
So many things of my childhood make sense now. I didn’t trust many things afterwards. My anxiety peaked.
I remember bawling at a museum for kids because my mom tried to get me to look into a microscope. I was afraid someone would poke my eye with a needle. It didn’t make sense but it also didn’t make sense to have what I thought was a needle go to other places too.
Another day out at a place for kids. You could put your hand into a hole and see what you felt (an exhibit for the senses) and I cried and refused to put my hand in because I was afraid someone would hurt my arm.
When I was told I would be fine there would be nothing to worry about. There is no pain here. I didn’t believe anyone.
My mom would get frustrated when I screamed and panicked and melted down at the eye dr. Again I didn’t believe her when she said there would be no needles.
When at my physicals I would shake when they put me in a gown.
I was always “ridiculous” and “embarrassing.” And would hear “see your younger brother is behaving and you’re supposed to be the big girl.”
I went through all of that because I had just one UTI. Turned out it was an allergy to my bubble bath soap. Again it only happened once. But the Dr wanted me to have the test just to cover his bases.
My fear I’ve never outgrown. I’m leery of all doctors especially men. I have other health issues so I’ve gotten used to going. But the fear is still there.
Thank you to this group that is helping me see it’s not just me being a “drama queen”. I had every reason to have deep seated fear. I didn’t deserve to be brushed off and made to feel small my entire life.
I’m 29 now. 25 years of being made to feel like I’m overly touchy, and frustrated at my inability to control my emotions.
I was hurt.
I was scarred.
I should not. No one should. Ever be made to feel that way. For medical reasons or not. No one should be shamed for feeling victimized.

This is new finding ppl who went through the same trauma as me.
I’m still trying to process how to speak about it. I feel like I should to learn how to move on. But so much about my life makes sense now.
But right now I just want to know how many people’s families tell them they r “dramatic” or “you don’t actually remember you were to young” or “it was necessary you have to get over it.”
I only brought it up a couple of times in my life. Each time I was shut down and dismissed so quick. By my own parents.
It’s like just because I was 4 im not allowed to be affected into my adulthood?

It's hard to decide whether to put this in "questions" or "support group" because it's just a hypothetical that I'm stressing my own self over and I mostly know the answers to my questions, but anyway, I (24F) got the VCUG at 7 and it's kind of given me a weird fear of my own vagina (even though I know my urethra is a separate thing lol), and by now I've gotten to where I can enjoy penetrative sex, but tampons, monistat, a Pap smear, my own fingers, etc are too pointy and cause me severe anxiety to the extent that I cannot mentally force myself to insert them (I put in a tampon once after 20 minutes of freaking out and I only got through my Pap smear bc my dr prescribed a dose of Ativan and my mom came with me and held my hand). Two days ago it occurred to me that there's probably a good chance that at some point in my life I will have to have a catheter put in again because it seems like a pretty common procedure and I had overactive bladder and frequent UTIs through my whole childhood (hence the VCUG) so it's not like my excretory system is in perfect shape to begin with. I know that as an adult I can refuse procedures or tell them I need to be at least mildly sedated but I'm worried they might not agree to that, and more than that, even though it's stupid to worry about it like 50-60 years in advance, I'm terrified I might be in a nursing home or hospital when I'm old and they wont listen to what I say bc of dementia and then they'll force me to be catheterized unmedicated again and the limited remainder of my life will be ruined by the trauma of it, and every time I think of it I start crying. Does anyone have experience with getting a catheter as an adult and if so (please say yes 🙏) was the doctor open to sedating you first? Is a catheter even something most people eventually have to get at some point? Is there a way to get over my genital anxiety besides just exposure therapy? Thanks for reading, I hope you're having a great day🩷