u/kiwifalooda

my (20m) fiancee (20f) is a very compulsive and chronic liar and i realized it right before we got engaged, and i cant deal with it anymore

i genuinely dont know what to do anymore and i need advice from people outside my circle because ive reached a point where i feel mentally exhausted all the time and severely depressed because of her

my fiancee is 20f and we’ve known each other for almost 4 years now since we met at an a levels academy when we were both 16. she was always quiet and only really had 2 or 3 friends including me and i became the closest person in her life pretty quickly. i knew early on that she had mental health issues and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and severe anxiety and she’s on medication for it. her mom also has severe anxiety and is medicated too so i always tried to be understanding and patient about everything because i know these things arent easy having been diagnosed with clinical depression myself that took me alot of time and patience to pull through with,

but the biggest issue is that she lies constantly and i mean CONSTANTLY. not even about big things only. she’ll lie about the most basic everyday stuff for literally no reason at all. things that dont even benefit her to lie about. if i confront her she either denies it even when there’s proof or somehow twists it back onto me and makes me feel guilty for bringing it up. sometimes she'll start crying or get angry and suddenly "stressing her out" it genuinely makes me feel like im losing my mind and gives me really bad guilt and anxiety because i cant tell whats real anymore half the time

before we got engaged i tried to leave her twice because of this and because the relationship was becoming emotionally draining for me but both times she threatened to hurt herself if i left. she used to self harm before too and i was terrified something would happen and all of it would come to me so i stayed. i know some people will probably say that's manipulation and maybe it is but at the same time i also know she’s mentally unstable and i felt horrible abandoning her and I honestly got really attached to her aswell

her father passed away around 2 years ago and she was very close to him. after that things honestly got even worse emotionally. her mood swings became more intense and unpredictable. one day she'll be loving and telling me im the only person she has and the next day she'll get angry at me over something tiny or completely out of the blue and act cold and hostile for hours or days. i feel like im constantly very careful trying not to trigger another argument

the thing is i fought HARD for this relationship. convincing my mother to agree to our engagement was extremely difficult especially because my family knew about her mental health history and the self harm and everything else. i defended her constantly and kept saying she just needed support and love and that things would improve with time. we’ve been physical a few times before engagement but nothing sex related and i genuinely believed i was doing the right thing by standing by her no matter what

but now i honestly feel trapped. i love her and i care about her deeply but i feel emotionally manipulated all the time. she’ll lie directly to my face about obvious things and then somehow make me apologize by the end of the conversation. sometimes she’ll accuse me of not caring about her enough if i want space after an argument. if i sound tired she immediately assumes im leaving her and starts panicking or guilt tripping me. i cant even focus properly on my own life anymore because my mood depends entirely on what mood she’s in that day

i also feel guilty even writing this because outside of me basically nobody knows about her issues. her other friends have no idea about the lying or self harm or breakdowns or any of this stuff. to everyone else she just seems shy. meanwhile i feel like im carrying this huge emotional weight alone by myself and suffering bc of it too

i dont know if this relationship is fixable or if im just staying because i feel responsible for her mental health and scared of what she might do if i leave, which is why i came here to ask you guys if this ever realistically get better? i cannot convince her to go to therapy which ive suggested alot of times and she says she will but never acts on it, i feel drained all the time and i dont even recognize myself anymore because of my fiancee even tho shes a very sweet, nice and gorgeous person and my friends all tell me ke I made a good choice settling w a person who i like and getting engaged early in uni, but im starting to doubt that

tldr: my 20f fiancee who has bipolar disorder and severe anxiety is a compulsive chronic liar and lies about even the smallest pointless things constantly. whenever i confront her she either denies it or twists it back on me and makes me feel guilty. i tried leaving twice before engagement because the relationship was emotionally draining but she threatened to hurt herself if i left. i fought hard to convince my family to accept the engagement despite knowing about her mental health issues and now i feel trapped exhausted anxious and emotionally manipulated all the time. she refuses therapy even though ive begged her to go and i dont know if this relationship is realistically fixable anymore or if im just staying out of guilt and attachment