u/kuolemanlaulu1

i dont want to tell the entire story ive already posted more than enough on another subreddit and its been awaiting mod approval for almost a month. i dont know why im making this post, i guess i want to be understood. nobody i know personally will listen to me or take me seriously, given the situation they're kind of right. im "radical" because i get "stuck on memories" and "avoid people and medication that will help me because of some unfortunate unprofessional acts". i feel like im being degraded. i feel like everyone's so hypnotized (no pun intended) that they wont see the truth. they wont see how horrible psychiatry is. they wont see how horrible the things ive been through were. "youre overreacting" no, theyre not letting go of their wrong beliefs no matter how concrete the proof is. maybe im overreacting yes but i still find a little bit of narcissism in me to convince myself nobody else would have made it out alive and that im better. im better than people who depend on chemicals to cure their emotions, i am better than the people who are trying to eradicate the bits of humanity within to fit into a definition of normal that charlatans created. i know i have a problem, i know my behaviour is abnormal, i know i need help but not from them. im trying to help myself but, ive never thought id say that, i think i cant do it alone. i want someone to understand me. please. if my post on the other sub wont get approved id happily share the story on this sub if anyone wanted but please someone tell me im not wrong. please someone tell me that its not about the "unprofessional behaviour". it wouldnt have been any different if they were acting professionally. i have barely left my bed in two months, i dont go to classes, i dont study, ive stopped doing everything ive liked or cared for. i push people away, i ghost them, i voluntarily make them hate me. because they just wont understand. big word but ive been getting kind of paranoid, and i think somewhat delusional. im using these words loosely. this is not normal and even though it cant end worse than how it did last year, i dont want to be like that anymore. i dont know what i need. ive read about them and done psychoanalysis and hypnosis on myself and they worked every time but even with those tools i have idk what i can do about that. do i put the trauma in a chest inside my mind and lock it? that's escaping from problems itll backfire eventually. sorry for the wall of text i cant be bothered to spend energy on making myself more understandable im so done with nobody understanding what i say even when i pay so much attention to clarifying everything.

i dont know if that type of posts are allowed in this sub but i didnt want to get questionable advice from mainstream subs. i dont live in an eu country but im planning to go anywhere i can as long as its in the eu (and somewhere i generally wont get treated badly for being trans by either the law or the healthcare workers) to study because i cant say im safe here exactly. i have one more year until i even apply but its been bugging me a little so i wanted to ask just to feel a little more at peace. also i know every eu country is different im planning to apply to as many schools as i can in western eu hoping one will take me, but my main goal is the netherlands or belgium.

how does it work? can you just go and ask for an appointment with a psychologist that has the authority to diagnose you? how long does it take on average? ive been doing diy, will that affect anything negatively? if it takes too long can i keep diy'ing in the meantime or is that illegal? in my country they make you stop diy because they consider it self harm and therefore conclude that youre not mentally stable enough for hrt, and its also illegal. idk if thats true for other places though i hope not.

the biggest question i have in mind is regarding the fact that im not an eu citizen and will only have a student visa but i think itll be fine, everyone needs to go to a hospital at one point so i guess it wont be a dead end. maybe the waitlist will be long but as long as diy isnt illegal i will probably be fine.

i also would love to get top surgery in a time period i can actually foresee (i mean "wow im getting a consultation in a decade" and not "ill barely have the conditions to be able to think about it in a decade") but maybe i need to save some money and have gone to study to even be asking questions about it, maybe i should ask to let my mind rest. idek anymore i need some wise being to guide me im so lost.