I feel invalid and dramatic, but this still sticks with me
when I was younger, maybe 7 or 8 (i don't remember clearly because i think i've blocked a lot of this out of my head) my moms friends daughter i think assaulted me. i can only really remember one time it happened. all i can remember is being on the top bunk of a bed, and her asking me if she could kiss me with tongue. i said yes, and i don't really know why. maybe i just thought it was normal. she was two or three years older than me. i looked up to her. i wanted to be like her. i thought maybe that's what older kids did, maybe it was okay. she also asked me if it was okay to touch me, then groped me beneath my shirt. she never did anything more than that, but scenes like this happened repeatedly. it probably was a year until it stopped, but i don't remember any other time but this one. however i know it happened a lot.
i don't remember enjoying it. i remember feeling uncomfortable, like she was intruding, but i didn't say no. i consented to all of it. is it still abuse if i said yes? i don't know why i never said no. i know she would've stopped if i said no, which leads me to think it wasn't bad. like i had control over it. but another part of me knows she was taking advantage of me. because i would have never done anything like that to someone else. and i don't understand what could've been going through her mind when she did these things to me.
i also vaguely remember hanging out with her and another friend of mine, and i think she showed us something inappropriate like porn or a pornographic photo, but i don't remember clearly. i just know it was something bad, because both my friend and i were uncomfortable and had bad reactions.
the memory is hazy, and sometimes it feels like i dreamt it all. but i know it was violation, because i still remember what it felt like and i knew it felt wrong. i knew it was wrong because she told me i couldn't tell anyone.
i think this could have also caused me to be hyper sexual growing up, because i definitely did things i shouldn't have. i did watch porn after that, and i knew it was wrong. but i can't remember what even made me want to. so im thinking maybe it was because she showed it to me?
i told my mom, but i don't think ever told her everything that happened, so i don't think she really understood. i don't see this girl anymore, which is for the better. but i don't really know if im being dramatic, or if it was really something that could be labeled as assault.