enmeshed in college
i’m pretty sure my dad (47M) is enmeshed with me (19F). after moving to college (i had to live in the dorms, only an hour away from home) my dad has been increasingly growing more and more enmeshed. he would call me multiple times a week and always ask to hang out which bothered me since i felt already busy in college and wanted more independence to hang out with college friends. he would understand, but always had a sad tone which would make me feel guilty.
ever since he has done specific things that are not appropriate, he is growing more comfortable than be should be. he talks about sex with me, asks if im a virgin and says “good” when i say yes, tells me about his own sexual experiences in detail, and once was drunk and showed me nudes of the breasts of women he’s friends with and even my own MOM. he showed me a nude of my moms breasts. he also overly sexualized me and girls my age. went on a cruise with him and anytime a man his age would stare at me he would loudly say “having fun eye fucking my daughter?” which made me uncomfortable, about a week or two later he made a comment about a girl who was walking on my campus (clearly a student, clearly my age) about her having a nice ass. to me it seems hypocritical like he’s projecting his creepy thoughts about women onto other men because he knows he does the same thing.
recently, he’s just been bothering me. some days he calls me multiple times, he calls me almost every day asking what i’m doing, what i have planned, asking to hang out, etc, every time he calls me asks me to hang out. when i tell him im hanging out with my friends, he either invites himself or has a sad tone. one weekend in college i told him my friends and i went swimming that week and he said he wanted to swim to, and basically said that he would love to swim with us, inviting himself and repeating how it would be fun and he would love to yadda yadda. i had to tell him that i don’t think my 18 year old female friends would want to hangout with a 47 year old man they never have even met, nevertheless at the pool in swim suits? i always thought it was weird a grown man genuinely wants to swim with his daughter and her friends who were all 18 at the time and he would actually have fun.
the most recent time happened the other day. my best friend (19F) and i went thrifting, i told my dad our plan before and he straight up said “i would love to go thrifting with you guys! can i come?” and i had to politely tell him i didnt think my friend would want that and she would just want to hang with her girl friend to do girl things (obviously?) and he kept trying to push it by asking why she wouldn’t want to, that he would actually enjoy the teen girl things we do, and even said “well, we can ask her” and had to straight up tell him she doesn’t because we want to have girl time!! he had a sad tone but understood.
the next day he came to my room literally saying “you know, for like two seconds, i thought i was going to go thrifting with yall.”, it felt guilt trippy/self deprecating, and then asked if i was busy that day and if i wanted to go to lunch and that he really enjoyed our hangout we had after i got back from thrifting.
i hung out with him after because i felt bad and haven’t hung out much with him anyway but everytime i do he comes back the next day all excited thinking we’re gonna hangout again the next day. every time we hang out recently he makes it a big thing, he’s all smiley and excited and talking about how much he’s enjoying it and how good it is to hangout, which makes it feel like i’m just doing it to make him happy since my presence has such an impact on him.
my dad acts like when he isn’t with me his whole world falls apart, like he can’t live without me. one time he was talking about how all he can think about is me, how he misses me, misses hanging out w me, etc, and i straight up asked him “do you wake up everyday just thinking about me and ‘i want to hangout with my daughter’” which he said yes. we had a whole tense convo where i made my point of wanting to grow up, be independent, build my own life, etc, and he said “so you’re just going to abandon your family?”
what do i do with this enmeshment, when my dad views me as building my own life seperate from him as “abandoning him?” i don’t understand why he is like this, ive read about covert incest and i believe my moving to college was the “switch” that made him hyper fixated on me.