How I Found Out I Was Gay And In Love With My Best Friend
Okay, so I’m (M26) and my now boyfriend (M26) is moving in with me soon so, I thought that this would be the perfect time to share the crazy story of how we found out we liked eachother.
So, for background we both grew up in Australia and went to the same highschool. We both started there in grade 7 and became friends from there.
Ten Years earlier, I got to school and I saw my girl best friend Gracie (F16 at the time, 26 present day). Everyone at the time thought I was dating her, but the truth is, I wasn’t into her at all, infact, I had never even liked a girl. I have a big friend group of guys that are all quite manly and a brother who is like that but double so, Gracie is kind of the only person I can talk to about my feelings, well her and Seb.
Gracie and I were sitting together during maths and as usual, she is was making fun of me for not getting my work done. Suddenly, the teacher asks me to go and get some papers from another classroom. I agree and walk towards a slightly smaller classroom. I walk in and the air immediately shifts. I see Seb standing right by the door. I had never noticed the height difference before. For context, I’m 6’2 and he is 5’0 so, when he’s standing right next to me, it’s hard to miss.
He looks at me koy and says, “I’m just going to the bathroom.” I grab the papers from the teachers desk as I feel 100 pairs of eyes on me cutting through my self-esteem like blunt knives. I return to my classroom and Gracie says to me, “who’s got you blushing like that?”
I awkwardly panic but attempt to brush it off with a laugh that sounded better in my head. “Says you! Maybe you’re rubbing off on me,” she glares at me for a second and then goes back to her work.
After class, I walk down to my locker, I feel a tap on my back and turn around. I look down to see a boy with brown hair and big brown eyes, looking up at me. He looked what one can only describe as a hungry deer.
”Hi Seb!” I say,
”Hi Lachie, you sunburn?”
he responds.
I look in the reflection of a window. Shit.
I am red and it’s not because of the sun. It’s 12 degrees, of course I’m not sunburned, it’s autumn, what was he trying to say?
I overthink this interaction for the rest of the day. I attempt to go to sleep and all I can think about is the fact I was continuing to go red around Seb. I’m such a loser but, am I…..a gay loser? No, it can’t be….. can it? I mean, Seb might be, he always hangs out with Alysha and she’s bi. Maybe I should ask her? Nah, she’s no help, plus she’ll probably lecture me about how it’s not cool to inquire about people’s sexualities.
The next day at school, I see Seb, he looks upset and he begins to cry. Without thinking, as if my legs are moving at their own accord, I rush to comfort him. I ask him what’s wrong and we just sit. He says he can’t tell me and that it would ruin everything. All, of a sudden, I want to punch whoever has hurt him but I also worry that I have done something to upset him.
The next night is a school social event that we are forced to go to, all of the year 10’s are, nobody really wants to go but nobody doesn’t want to, it’s just like a about as interesting as a regular day of school. I walk in with my friend Asher. I mean, he’s not really my friend but, he likes Gracie so, he’s been hanging around me. He sees Gracie as we walk in and runs up and asks her to dance. I’m alone.
I go and sit in a corner and Seb comes up to me as Umbrella by Rihanna plays quietly in the background. He whispers in my ear and my body shivers for a second and begins to feel like ice. I can’t quite makeout what he said but, he looks scared. I say to him “dude, we’re in a room with talking people and loud music, speak up.” He looks embarrassed and yells.
“I like you!“ just as there is a split second of silence between songs.
Creep my Radiohead begins to play and I sit there and stare at him. I feel confused, angry, embarrassed and frustrated. Nobody heard but, they could’ve, why would he be so careless? Why does he like me? Why is he telling me now? I don’t even know if I like him.
“What the hell Seb?” I yell. “Just leave me alone,” I know I was harsh on him and I can see his deer like eyes welling up with tears as I walk out but, I am just so confused about my own emotions that I don’t have time to think about his.
It’s the weekend and Gracie is blowing up my phone asking what happened with Seb and I, Asher is texting me, asking for tips on how to talk to Gracie and Alysha is texting me about how I hurt Seb. I don’t want to respond to any of them. I just want to lay here forever. I can be gay but it needs to stay on the inside. The world just isn’t ready for it, after all, gay marriage has been legal here for less than a year, I’m not that hasty to hop on a trend.
On Monday, after what felt like the longest day of school ever, I begin my journey home from school, it is raining and cloudy and I am about to get soaked. Seb comes up to me after school and begins to apologis, I keep walking. We are now off school grounds and I am nearly home. I stop to tell Seb to leave but instead I stop and stare. He says, “I’m so sorry,” and I wonder why he‘s sorry. He was just being honest. It’s not my fault I don’t want to be honest with my emotion. I look in his eyes so that I can give him my heartfelt apology but words don’t come out. I just keep staring and staring until, I pull him in for a kiss. I don’t know why I did it? Closure? Did I think it would magically turn me straight? Was it the rain? I don’t know but now, 10 years years later, we are married, we have two cats and we are about to adopt a daughter from Korea.
The End.