u/larue555

My husband has been gone for almost 9 months. We were married for 25 years. Some days, I feel like I have this and I should start rebuilding my life without him. Some days, the loss is so fresh and feels like a slap in the face. We literally talked all day long. We both worked from home since COVID. I miss his jokes. I miss him texting me random memes or stories. I miss telling him things about my day and getting his take or joke about it. He just made everything more fun. I miss having my partner.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with panic about the loss of him. Sometimes I just feel sad about all he is missing. We had promised our son a graduation trip to Japan that we went on a few months ago. He would have absolutely had the most amazing time there. I am sad he never got to go. He was the one who got our son into anime, Manga and video games.

I adopted a puppy this year and she brings a bit of joy into my life. At the same time, I wonder what he would think about her and what jokes he would make about her personality quirks.

He had a very aggressive cancer that he beat. He only had a 20% chance of beating it. He was declared "cured" after 5 years of no recurrence. Once he hit this piint he only had like a 2% chance of it coming back. I am really angry with his oncologist for not being more upfront about him needing to focus on quality of life vs trying to fight it. He spent the last 4 months of his life in the hospital or long term rehab trying to regain his strength and ability to walk. His last hospitalization before we asked for him to be admitted to a hospice program he had gone septic while trying to do a round of chemo. He was home a week before he passed away. The last 4 months of his life just feel like wasted time. Even with his limited mobility, he could have been home and spending time with friends and family.

I guess I am at the stage where it feels real. For most the time, him being gone has just felt impossible. He had such a big personality it just felt impossible for him to just be gone.