u/lasoder

I recently started painting with acrylics at almost 39 years old. Funny thing is that I have always loved drawing and painting. And I have also hated it. I have tried to paint ”things”. You know, things that are supposed to look like something. An object, a person, a landscape. And I just… can’t. I really really want to, I love creating, but when I try to paint ”things” it just turns out wrong. I don’t like how it looks, I don’t like how it feels, it just becomes yet another thing that makes me feel bad about myself and that I am not good enough.

But in this season of life where I am realising the extent of how I have lived my life to be accepted by others and adapted who I am to fit in, I tried something different a few months ago. I just got one of my kids blank stretched canvases, just a small one, and their acrylic paints, and decided not to paint something. But to see what happens when I do different things in different ways with different colors. Just driven by curiosity, going with instinct. And something just burst open. I painted on that tiny canvas for hours that night, not trying to paint any specific thing. Running around the house trying to find things to paint with that felt right. I have painted a lot since then and I love it so much it almost makes me cry. At last I have found something in my life that is completely void of expectations, goals, planning, performance. It’s just presence, intuition and emotion. I have learned so much about myself and I have never been as kind and accepting of myself as I am since then. When I’m painting I have no idea what I’m doing and whatever it turns out to be might be something or nothing. If I feel like it I’ll just paint over the whole thing because that’s what’s next for that particular journey for that painting. If it ends up never being finish, that’s ok. Because the outcome was never important, it was all about the journey and process.

So I paint abstract paintings based on immediate split second decisions. Sometimes I get stuck and can’t feel the next step, so I have different ways of introducing elements of chaos. Like asking my kids to take 20 seconds each and do whatever they want with a painting. Or closing my eyes and picking a color at random. Once I sprayed kitchen cleaning spray on a painting to stir things up 😅

I just love it. But then when I talk to people around me about it I just feel like that kid who loves singing and thinks she can sing well so she enters the school talent competition, but when people listen to her they all feel embarrassed for her because she’s not actually good at it. I want to tell that girl to sing her heart out no matter what people think, that if it feels good for her that is what’s important. But trying to tell myself that when I have spent my entire life trying to be good enough for others is so difficult. If I talk about a painting I try to explain what’s behind it, and I feel weird and awkward and embarrassed. Like, who would care about the inner workings of me and how I express myself creatively? For example, I had this one painting I started on when my emotions were really intense and all over the place. So much energy. Everything I did on that canvas was intense. Big, strong, large. All I could think about was storm and chaos, so everything I did was intense ans fast and without plan. And then when I was done I did not know what to do with it, because even if I was done - it was not. So there it sat for weeks. And then one day I had a conversation with my mom and she talked about wanting to buy a calm painting in her bedroom. Blues and greys. And after a while it just felt right to continue with the storm painting. Because what could be calmer than actually calming something that was intense and chaotic? So for the next few days I calmed the painting. Soft strokes, soft colors, soft textures. I was calm and soothing, approaching it like a hug. I did not hide the storm, its still there, but calmer. Allowed to exist as it was and as it is.

I mean, even writing this here I feel like a weirdo. Am I making any sense to anyone other than myself?
Trying to talk about the process and the emotions and the journey, I feel like people will laugh at me. Like I’m trying to be something I’m not. I love talking about it because it means so much to me, but I am also scared.

I have no background or knowledge about art. I have no concept of technique or method. I don’t know anything about what to do or what to say. I feel like an impostor. Someone who wants to share her art, thinking that my journey and how painting has helped me, can also help someone else. That I can make someone feel something. But in reality, I am just.. nothing.

Logically I know that it does not matter. The way painting makes me feel is enough reason to keep going. But on an emotional level it makes me really sad when something that means so much to me also makes me feel like it would make people laugh at me.

And now I am freaking out because I signed up for this art exhibit where I live. 200 people (professional and amateurs) get a tiny space each around the city center for 5-6 hours on August 29th and people can walk around and look at artwork of all kinds. I want to show one painting, print out photos the different stages that painting went through, but the main focus is encouraging people to make their own marks on a painting. I will bring colors, different things to paint with, and see if I can get people to do whatever their instinct tells them to do. It does not matter if they paint over something someone else has done. All additions to the painting are equally important, even if they are covered by other layers. It’s all a part of the journey of that painting.

If one person feel like they don’t have to perform or do well, even for a moment, that’s enough for me.

But how do you deal with these feelings of inadequacy? How can I deal with my anxiety when I feel like people will whisper and wonder what I’m even doing there?

Sorry, this got really long. I appreciate you taking the time to listen to my ramblings, no matter if you made it through the whole thing or just a few sentences before skipping to the bottom. Thank you. ❤️

I am 38F and was just diagnosed with AuDHD
in November last year, and I think my relationship with my partner (40M) is about to fall apart after 16 years together Or it has been falling apart for a while but now it’s hard to see how we can move forward. I could ramble on about the reasons for ages but it’s a long story and many details. Let’s just summarize it as me living as an undiagnosed AuDHD with all the behaviours that come with that has caused him a lot of pain without me knowing or noticing even if he has tried to tell me, and he thinks my diagnosis is fake because he thinks that I want an excuse for my behaviour. But I just want to understand myself after heavily masking for all of my life so that I can make sustainable and reasonable choices.

Now we are at the point where my nervous system goes into overdrive as soon as he enters a room. He is not violent, has never laid a hand on anyone, but he expresses himself in ways that trigger my RSD by just thinking about what he could say. I have recently understood that the things he says to me might not be okay even if they come from a place of hurt and pain within him. For example saying that there is nothing to love about me and that I am evil. He puts things into words that matches the way he feels and I have accepted that, but I know now that it’s ok for him to express how he feels but it’s not ok for him to put me down as a person no matter how angry he is. But now when I’m writing this I’m doubting myself. Maybe it is ok in some circumstances? Gaah I don’t know. Anyways, I absorb everything he says like a sponge and no matter if it could be ok to use different ways of expressing himself it still causes me emotional pain to the point of shutdown.

We live together and have two kids (boys 6y and 8y) but we are currently not talking unless the kids are around or if we have to communicate about something specific. And ever since we stopped talking my nervous system is calming down and I’m slowly finding myself. Apparently I like abstract acrylic painting. And I have written a romance novel. And I’m learning to accept myself and my brain instead of working against it. And I look back at things in our relationship that have made me feel great shame and I’m starting to see things differently. For example: we have had confrontations many times about some time long ago when we were out partying with friends and me and the girls were on the dance floor. He says that he saw a guy who danced up to me and started dancing and rubbing himself against my backside and I let him to it. This has never made sense to me, because I HATE the touch and proximity of people who I don’t know really well, and on dance floors I always do the whole ”dance away without making a scene” thing because I can’t handle confrontation. For years and years we have had this discussion and I keep apologising, keep saying that I don’t know why I stayed and let another guy do that, I have felt like an absolute awful person. Not only because I apparently did that, but because I don’t even remember doing it.

And then a few months ago that discussion popped up again, at at one point he said ”Well you did move away, but it doesn’t matter if it was after 3 or 5 seconds, you still let him grind himself on you”. And that made me pause. 3 seconds? 5 seconds? That perfectly aligns with how handle those things! It probably takes 3-5 seconds for me to move away in a way that feels safe for me from a situation that triggers my fight or flight. And to him that is a betrayal? And that made me pause again. Because what about all the other times when he has had a reaction about guys who have gotten too close or who I have talked with? What about when that old guy put his hand on my hip when I was in a bikini and I kind of laughed and moved away slowly and my partner saw it and ran off into the woods in a complete rage where his friends had to calm honom down and then he didn’t speak to me for days? And then I paused again. Because if I could actually access my own needs and wants and feel like they are valid, what would I have wanted from him? Because deep down I don’t think I’m a bad person for handling a situation in the best way I know how, and I would have wanted my partner to see that I’m in distress when people touch me and come ask me if I’m ok.

A lot of things like this are happening in my mind right now. And our relationship is falling apart. But then the worry comes. How would it effect the kids? Am I good enough as a parent to take care of them if I was single? What if I’m too broken to be on my own? What if this is the only way I can be experience relationships? I don’t even have any friends left because he never liked my friends so we only ever spent time with his friends. And if I stop masking, will I even be able to make friends? I am almost 40. Is there any hope for the future when I have completely lost myself over the years?

I know this is just rambling and venting. But I feel so alone in this, since I don’t have anyone to talk to. I think I just wanted to put the words and feelings out into the world and make them feel real I guess. And if you managed to read all of this? Wow. And thank you. ❤️