I compulsively avoid doing as much work as possible and I've never been able to stop.
I have never been able to do any job, no matter how simple, voluntary, or in line with my interests and expertise it was. Growing up I would do anything I could to get out of school and homework, and ever since I was a teenager at my first job I was finding ways to avoid doing as much work as I possibly could. I would hide in storage rooms for hours to just... do nothing.
I haven't stopped since. I can't stop. I don't know why. At some point this instinct that I can't pull away from or repress no matter what I try just takes me over and goes fully nuclear, and it's about to do it again. I need a job to live right now and this monster I become when I work is going to ruin it for us and it'll be no one's fault but mine. I hate it more than anything but its like trying to change my involuntary functions. I can't change the way my heart beats, I can't breathe different if I'm not paying attention, and I can't stop letting avoidance ruin my life no matter how hard I try.
I've left very few jobs amicably, 90% have ended in me being fired or quitting. Not counting contract work that ended, I've only left three jobs on "normal" terms. Two of those jobs were part time work at an escape room, one of which was due to the closure of the business and the other due to the global covid 19 pandemic. The last one I left because I moved to another state, and then the company went bankrupt the next day. I've worked a shit ton of jobs in every department imaginable and the only things I've ever liked paid scraps and took basically no effort. Anything that requires me to do anything more than sitting in a chair and watching a screen or driving alone without having to interact with anyone inevitably becomes the most annoying thing in the world to me after a few months and the downward spiral starts. Inevitably I either fuck up enough to get fired or fully mentally collapse and quit in an impulsive panic. Sometimes it's both!
I think I might just be a failed person. I'm the exact kind of lazy bum that everyone hates, the bad employee, the slacker, the guy who's always trying to get out of doing things. I feel like I deserve what'll inevitably come to me when I either rot and die on the street or in my parents' basement, because if I keep working jobs all it does is make my coworkers annoyed and frustrated with me because I can't do anything, and what I can do is never done right.
I don't expect sympathy. I know you all hate me and everyone like me, and I do too. I don't know what I'm even trying to accomplish saying all of this. I wish I could live doing nothing, but I know I can't, and I don't like my options. I'm sure everyone will tell me to just suck it up (i know), to just do it because its so easy (i know it is), that i have to contribute something to society (dont you think i want to?). I won't have any good answers, I'm sure. I just needed to get this all off my chest for whatever reason.