u/leilawithasecret

I've (28F) been with my boyfriend (30M) for 3 years. We're talking about getting engaged next year. He's perfect, kind, funny, ambitious, treats me like gold.

But there's Emily.

Emily is his coworker. They've worked together for 4 years, which is longer than we've been dating. He talks about her constantly. "Emily said this," "Emily did that," "Emily's so funny." I met her once at a work event and she was... fine? Polite but distant with me. Couldn't stop touching his arm when she talked to him though.
I didn't think much of it until I found out they have a "weekly tradition" where they get drinks just the two of them after work every Thursday. He says it's "decompressing about work" and I'm "welcome to join anytime." I went once. They spent the whole time inside-joking about people I didn't know and she kept "accidentally" ordering his favorite beer for him before he could ask.

Then I found the Instagram DMs. Not cheating, just... constant. Morning memes. Inside jokes. "Thinking of you" when something stressful happened at work. A selfie she sent from her vacation with the caption "wish you were here". He replied "next time 😉."

I told him I don't feel comfortable with this level of intimacy with another woman, especially one he's physically attracted to (he admitted once, early in our relationship, that he thought she was "cute" before we got together). I said I'm not giving ultimatums about engagement, but I need to see real boundaries with Emily or I can't move forward.

He lost it. Said I'm insecure and controlling. Said she's his closest friend and he'd be miserable without her. Said if I trusted him, none of this would matter. Then he said the thing that's been haunting me: "You're asking me to choose between my best friend and my girlfriend. That's not fair."

He's right. It isn't fair. But I also can't shake the feeling that "work wife" stopped being a joke a long time ago and became something neither of them will name.
I didn't ask him to cut her off completely. I asked for transparency, group hangs instead of one-on-one drinks, less daily DMing, telling me when they talk instead of me finding out. He says even that's "policing his friendships."

So I told him: I'm not walking down the aisle wondering if I'm the second choice in my own marriage. He can have boundaries with Emily, or he can have me, but he can't have both and pretend that's healthy.
He called his mom. She texted me that I'm "destroying a good man over female jealousy."

Now he's staying at Emily's place "to clear his head."

AITW?

My husband (34) and I (28) have been together for 6 years, married for 3. Everyone always said we were the "fun couple" same taste in terrible reality TV, same love for hiking on random Tuesday afternoons, same weird obsession with collecting vintage board games. We finished each other's sentences. His friends used to joke that I'd "domesticated" him, and he'd just grin and say he was exactly where he wanted to be.
The truth is, I'm a feeler. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Growing up, my therapist mom taught me that suppressing emotions is basically poison. My husband used to call my intensity "refreshing" and "honest." He said his ex was so passive-aggressive that my directness felt like oxygen.

Now? He calls it "drama."

Things have been unraveling for a while.

His mother. She calls three times a day. When I suggested we set boundaries maybe a Sunday dinner call instead of constant interruptions he accused me of trying to "cut him off from his family." I never said that. I just wanted to eat dinner without her commenting on my weight, my job, or why we haven't given her grandchildren yet. Last month she announced she's moving to our city "to be closer." I expressed concern about her smothering tendencies. He told his entire family I "hate" her. Now I'm the evil daughter-in-law before she's even unpacked.

Alone time. He works from home but claims he's "too busy" to eat lunch with me. Yet when I plan a weekend getaway just us, a cabin, no phones he suddenly has deadlines. When I settle in to read my novels or watch my documentaries, he barges in complaining that I'm "ignoring" him. He wants me present but not actually doing anything that doesn't involve him. He calls it "spending time together." I call it being an accessory.

Children. I'm ready. He's not. Fine, I said let's talk about what "ready" looks like for you. He handed me a three-page spreadsheet: save $50k, renovate the kitchen, get a promotion, buy a bigger car, lose 20 pounds (his pounds, not mine apparently dad-bod is unacceptable in his imaginary fatherhood). I asked if we could start with, I don't know, couples therapy? He said I was "moving the goalposts."

Physical connection. We haven't been intimate in almost a year. When I finally broke down and asked why, he said I "make him feel small." Because I once suggested he see a doctor about his snoring? Because I asked him to shower before bed? I tried initiating last month bought lingerie, lit candles, the whole embarrassing routine. He walked past me to the computer and said he "wasn't feeling it." I slept in the guest room. He didn't notice.

The "roughhousing." He's 6'2", I'm 5'4". He'll pin me down, tickle me until I can't breathe, wrestle me "playfully" when I explicitly say stop. I bruise easily. Last week he left a mark on my wrist that my coworker noticed. I told him I'm not a toy. He pouted for two days and said I "can't take a joke." I bought a lock for our bedroom door. He still doesn't understand why.

I'm lying awake at 3am wondering if the person I married ever existed, or if I invented him because I was lonely and 22 and desperate to believe in forever.