u/lextler

I think I’ve spent the last five years of my life, if not longer, experiencing a subtle shift away from belief across this intangible boundary into disbelief. I think I’ve collected a long list of questions over the years that have gradually pushed me away from being able to accept the things taught to me growing up in a church as fact. I can’t pinpoint when the beliefs I had held for years shifted; I can only remember the gradual onset of the fear that my new beliefs are wrong. It's a dichotomy where I can never believe in my old beliefs again, but I fear my new beliefs will lead to eternal damnation. Maybe fear was always a part of religion for me; the church instilled a fear of hell, of sin, of lacking faith, of being unprepared for the rapture, etc. I think I found comfort in having set guidelines and a book to study. I no longer find that comfort. I attend church weekly, I just spent a week at my conference church camp, and I am actively involved in my church, but I simply feel as if I don’t belong. Honestly, I don’t want to be there; if anything, attending makes me more anxious. I disagree with some of the points in sermons, and I feel as though the church has become more of a controlling entity than a place of worship. Even then, I don’t care to find a new place to worship. I just want to be free. I’ve felt a desire to begin properly deconstructing the beliefs and ideas I grew up with for a few years now, but I have no idea where to start. I think deconstruction is deeply personal for every individual, so it is unlikely I will be able to find or even benefit from a set of deconstruction guidelines.

Really, I am just here seeking advice. I have no clue where to continue from here. I just know I crave something tangible to work on in hopes of working through my upbringing. Thank you.