Struggling
Hi all,
I am 32 and about to become a father for the first time. Some background for context- this is my second marriage and I have a nine year-old stepson. So this is my wife’s second time being pregnant. My first marriage was very toxic and narcissistically abusive. Some of that trauma still comes up for me. The pregnancy so far has been a lot harder mentally for me than I expected. My wife completely hates the smell of my breath the smell of my cologne, my hand touching her back is too hot. We don’t kiss or hug anymore. It’s been very triggering for me as it feels a lot like the narcissistic abuse I went through, it’s just like how it was when I was being given the cold shoulder.
Some nights I just lay in bed and cry because I feel so lonely. I’ve wanted to be a dad for a long time so it has been a dream come true finding out she was pregnant, but it has been so much harder than I ever anticipated. I feel selfish for expressing my needs. I know I can never understand what she’s experiencing. I am just struggling without the physical touch- this isn’t even about sex. It’s about those small moments like a kiss before bed or a hug before we leave to work. Those are the things that help me feel loved still. She says she loves me every day, but it’s hard for me to feel it.
Any advice? I feel like I am failing at being a supportive partner because I am stuck thinking about how I’m feeling.