u/lieve45

I have always had trouble connecting with people even when I was young and had friends it was hard and I never actually felt it. I don’t really connect with my parents all that strongly, it’s almost like nothing. It use to bother me a lot more than it does, I’d think about it a lot and wonder why. I do have a hearing problem that makes sound feel like knives on the brain so I started dissociating young, about as soon as I was conscious I remember dissociating in the classroom. I don’t understand why I can’t really feel the connections when I had my friends around. I’ve been alone with just my parents for 10 years, I can’t remember the last time I talked to someone irl that was my age that wasn’t working at a store or something. I don’t understand really.

Hello other sentient creatures of the subreddit, I am back from being an entity of miserable sighs. I still sigh a lot but I’m walking as I do so. About a year ago I would post about my nightly walks a good bit, they were a bit unhinged with my obsession with the walk. A lot has happened to me since then I had stopped my agony marathons and my body was basically glued to the bed and that glue was tough I’ll tell ya that. My last really update post was talking about how I had done a slight break in my walking and I was returning sometime in August or so. Well I decided (my body basically did) that we were not going to walk anymore. I had said I was gonna update yall in 2 week intervals, I ended up just disappearing in my mind as I was made a zombie by my meds. After August, basically in a 2 month period I gained 60 pounds. It was rather insane, I could not stop myself from eating in the night, my nightly kitchen raids were terrible, I ate so much dang food. I was in psychosis with voices going pretty much 24/7 but honestly that was not that bad but it made me realize (after about 6 months) that my meds were doing absolutely nothing. I was on vraylar, I’m honestly not sure if it worked or not during that time. Delusions were still apart of the daily grind but I had no voices at the time. I think it worked for my depression and nothing had ever worked for my depression (except the dreaded walking) that I stuck with it. I believe I messed with the dose too much, going up, then down, then up, up again, then down? I am not sure but I had lost the mood that I had so greatly cherished. I tried another med, abilify and oh boy, I didn’t gamble or anything but my impulse control got thrown out the window and probably rolled into some murky pond. I have made some med changes now, coming out of the fog and startling myself and others as a 300 pound sorry sack. That was a month ago, I’ve gotten control over my eating and I have begun to do the dreaded march towards losing weight. I have been doing 50 minutes of walking for three weeks and have not missed a day. I know once I get use to the walk again I will be a much happier and healthier person. The amount of energy and my mood shot way up, ascending from the depths of my bed, breaking the glue off. I’m just so damn happy I can’t believe it after being so miserable for 3 years. I still deal with 24/7 voices but they are just so dumb and they know it. They say the same things over and over, narrating my life, telling me they love me, then telling me they hate me, asking what I want, and if I can hear them. I now have a better outlook on life and actually have hope for once, im gonna try to maintain consistency with myself, so the 2 week interval walking posts (if I remember) are coming back. The little effect on you, you might say, yay for him in your mind and then forget until 2 more weeks. Maybe for some they will say great that cursed pedestrian is back to throw his opinions of walking down my throat. It is true that I am here to do that, I love walking, walking loves me and everyone of you. I am grateful I have the ability to walk and I’m gonna walk while typing furiously from this suburban street. Maybe I’ll call it leg day lecture, anyways glad to have some energy again and time to hit the road (although I’m already on one) it is so damn hot and humid here but I press on further, sometimes with my eyes closed and hand out for stability. Hope everyone has a good evening/morning/afternoon and get walking.