How do you deal with internalized homophobia when you're "out" and can't really vent about it?
I (27F) don't like being a lesbian and I hate that I don't really have a choice about it. I've been semi-out for 9 years now, and I've never felt that joy about loving someone that people often describe; I've only ever felt unfairly burdened by my sexuality. It feels like I'm always carrying this grief of what my life could've been if I was born straight.
I live in Paraguay, which is a very homophobic country, but things have gotten better in the past few years. My parents know about me and they're progressive-ish and open-minded, so that was never really a struggle for us. We've never been religious, although we're culturally Catholics. Fortunately, I'm an atheist, so I don't really feel religious guilt. I think all of this would've been much harder if I did, so I'm really grateful for that.
I know there's nothing wrong with being gay, and I'm really not saying I'd like to date men, of course I don't, but I still feel like I've been robbed of something because I don't have that option. And I love PDA and big gestures, and I can't do any of that with my partners because we're supposed to hide in public. That, and the fact that I've had a disastrous love life so far and I've never been able to maintain a relationship for more than a few months at a time.
I've been in love before, but even that felt like a burden to me and my partners. Even when I'm in love, I can't seem to find the joy in loving. Everything feels too fragile. Lately I've been ending things with girls I really liked at the beginning just because I don't see the point anymore. And I can't help but wonder if maybe I would've already been with someone for the long run if I were straight or at least bisexual. If I'd been able to love them in the open, with no shame and no need to conceal their gender just in case someone who might judge me was within earshot.
I believe this has to be a common experience in the community, but I don't really know a lot of people who can relate to this in real life, so I wanted to vent a bit and see if maybe there was someone willing to share their experience about this. I don't really say this things aloud because I don't want people to think I'm trying to play the victim or anything.
If this is a sentiment that's not shared or maybe you think my wording is not ideal, feel free to downvote me to oblivion. Also not sure about the flair, but I noticed that some people have been posting their experiences under this flair, so.
TL;DR: I have a lot of internalized homophobia. I'm just venting, but would also like to know if there's anyone else who feels similarly and how do you deal with it.