I am filling my shopping cart for the summer and thinking ahead! Red licorice? Thirst trap? Sacrificial lacquer? I prefer shiny tones, but I am open to considering solids like Left on Red. What do we think?
And how about blues? Blue freezie? Midnight spark?
And obviously I need shooting star taco.
TLDR; After a year and half of trying for a baby, and then 6 months of trying to figure out what is wrong, my husband and I found ourselves pregnant. And now we don’t know if parenthood is right for us. Leaning towards/considering the childfree life, and I am scared of regret.
A little bit about us: We are independent, active, adventurous, and social people. Stable jobs, housing situation, local support system/village etc. We have a core group of shared friends, and we do all the things. Hiking, travel, team sports, beer/wine festivals, foodie experiences, alumni events, concerts, you name it! However, we come from big families/extended families, with lots of siblings, cousins etc, and there is a lot of pressure to have a family of our own.
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My husband and I have long been on the fence about whether or not to have kids. We always said, if we are able to have children, great. If we don’t, that’s wonderful too. We will live a rich and full life. But then, time began to weigh on us.
We started actively trying to have kids a little over 2 years ago, after taking a few years to just enjoy being married. We are both in our late 30s, and after trying for 1.5 years, had gotten to the point where we figured things weren’t going to work out. We spent hours talking through the pros and cons, wondering what we should do next. Ultimately, we decided to seek medical help, and discovered that there were fertility issues on my husband’s side, and that pregnancy would be difficult for us without assistance. So, we began planning for IVF – Even though we had always said, if we cannot get pregnant naturally, that is a sign that we should stop and just live a childfree life. Maybe I gave in to the pressure and fear that I was losing time? Then, right as we were set to begin IVF, I found out I was pregnant. You’d think this would be the answer to everything. However, my husband and I were surprised to discover that we were more in shock. I didn’t feel excitement, nor did he. It felt more like the rug was pulled out from under us. Suddenly, everything felt out of control. I have never felt more scared, uncomfortable, and burdened by such a big secret. Not even the first doctor visit brought joy. I cried during the appointment, admitting that my body image issues were returning, along with fear that I’ll never recover my sense of self or fitness post-pregnancy. I have cried so much during these past few weeks, weighed down by doubt, sad that all these events I have planned over the summer and fall for my friends' weddings will be more challenging or less fun for me as I near my due date. Focusing on the joys of parenthood has felt impossible.
Meanwhile, my husband carefully helped me navigate, walking through the pros and cons again, even admitting that he too is scared and also unsure whether parenthood is right for him and right for us. I came to this sub for guidance and learned a lot. I made a list of my fears (Will I be a good parent? Will we be able to be as active and social as we currently like to be? Will our childfree friends no longer want to hang around us? Will my body image issues prevent me from being a good parent?) and I made a list of what I perceived to be the pros (Once you get past the baby stage, toddlers can be cute! Play dates with your friends' children!) I also read the Baby Decision by Merle Bombardieri and worked through the exercises together with my husband. What we have come to realize is that we are different people now than who we were 2 years ago, when we decided to actively try for a baby. We became comfortable, happy, and fulfilled by our rich social life. The thought of children interrupting that flow is scary.
This all being said, despite the childfree life decision on the cusp of being made (which needs to be soon, as I do not have much time left), I have moments where I am plagued by guilt, frozen with concern that I would be missing out on raising a child near the same age as my two best friends’ children. I look at the bathtub in our house and think, will I one day look at this bathtub and fall apart because I never got to see my own child splash about and have fun? I worry about disappointing our parents, who so badly want to be grandparents, when I reveal that we were pregnant and have since we ended?/lost? the pregnancy. (How do you even begin to approach that!) It is like I have analysis paralysis. I also don’t FEEL pregnant, which I think has contributed to the confusion. No symptoms other than being winded more easily, which many would say is a blessing.
I don’t know what I am searching for by posting, but I hope that sharing my experience resonates with someone in this sub, and helps them. I haven’t seen many posts about achieving pregnancy and then suddenly being thrust into a state of confusion and uncertainty. If you have any words of wisdom, or thoughts, please do share. But do be kind. This is very hard.