u/littleluces

Someone saw me looking at it and asked if I’d be okay if he picked it up and kept it for himself. Trash and treasure and all of that :-)

I had an awesome group of friends, including one I did everything with, really actually everything, for years. We even lived together. People think that’s what happened to us, the ole friends move in together and they hate each other. It wasn’t. She’s struggle with alcohol and it culminated in a very messy way that broke my heart. I thought I had experienced true heartbreak from my romantic relationships. Turns out those weren’t even close. We’re cordial now, she sincerely was sorry and I sincerely forgave her but there’s a lot of complicated stuff there for both of us I think. The whole situation really decimated our friend group. We all still talk but the situation was so ugly and impacted everyone. We have trouble connecting. She’s caught up in her substance du jour whether it’s alcohol in between periods of recognition that she has a problem, various drugs she considers recreational, or codependency with men (although I now realize for our friendship it was our constant connection filling this). I’m going through my own set of issues which take up a lot of space in my life. It’s on both of us at the end of the day. There was so much each of us could have done differently, not just her. I love her and I miss her every day but our fortunes just don’t align right now. I try to be at peace with it.

This morning I scrolled across a flyer on social media for a girls social club event happening tonight. I recently moved to a new area so I figured it was a good idea to get out and meet people. I was really excited to make a new friend or maybe even just have a good conversation. I feel ready to make so new friends finally. I went, got a drink and sat down. It wasn’t very busy or crowded yet. I saw some other girls a table away turning around and looking, laughing in my peripheral. I didn’t think anything of it. It keeps happening and I wonder what’s up until I hear them taking between giggling. They’re making fun of my hair, then my glasses. I know I have frizzy hair but I actually really like how wild it is. It evolves into calling me a fat version of a movie character. I gained some weight in the last year following a very adverse experience so that one stung the a lot.

I tried to let it go but ended up crying in the grocery store parking lot while picking up dinner on the way home. It just made me really sad. There are a lot of really good things in and about my life but I felt like my softest spots were poked. I know they didn’t mean to. It WAS mean but they were just having a good time and I don’t think they meant for me to hear or hurt me. Maybe people have gotten so used to the internet that they don’t see the person in front of them even in the same room. I don’t know. I’m not sure I really have a point in the end. I think it just makes me miss a time with people that doesn’t exist anymore.

Girl friendship is so magical.
Please be nice to your fellow girl.

Dinner: tofu dumpling noodles, cherry tomato, rosemary crackers, banana that tax to my dog must be paid on, nut mix from Trader Joe’s I ended up not eating lmao