Quitting weed
Why does quitting weed feel so impossible?
I don’t even know who I’m writing this to, or if I just need to get it off my chest, but I’m really struggling between doing what I know is right for me and doing what feels comfortable. Growing up, my parents always told us that addiction runs in our family. They drilled it into us to never drink or smoke, whether that meant cigarettes or weed. I honestly had no interest in any of it until I met my current partner. He used weed every day, and I didn’t start smoking until we had been together for about two years.
The first time I tried it, I got way too high and convinced myself it just wasn’t for me. A few months later, I tried it again, and I remember thinking, is this how normal people’s brains feel? The noise in my head was gone. My physical anxiety symptoms diminished. I felt present! And for the first time in years, I could eat without feeling like I was going to throw up. I started using it more and more after swearing I would never be “one of those people.” I thought I had control. I told myself I could stop whenever I wanted, but eventually, it turned into everyday use. Using it so I could eat. Using it so I could go out. Using it so I could socialize. Using it because it made everything feel a little easier.
I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a child, and I think a lot of it falls into the CPTSD category. I’m actively working toward finding a therapist who can help me with that. I’m also medicated for ADHD and have tried antidepressants in the past without much success. I have a prescription for a new medication, but I’m honestly scared to try it.
I feel like the days have blurred together, and suddenly I’ve been smoking every day for the past two years.
I feel like I can actually feel the effects on my brain. I don’t really dream anymore. I don’t feel as quick with my words. I feel disconnected from myself. And I feel like I owe it to myself to stop now, at 25, so I can start working on myself and actually start living my life.
Why does it feel so scary and impossible?
I don’t even know where to start. I also don’t think my partner would be willing to quit, and I don’t think it’s fair for me to ask him to. But at the same time, I wish I had never picked it up in the first place.
I have so many regrets and so much shame surrounding it. And one of the hardest things to sit with is the lingering “I told you so” feeling from my parents. They’ve been supportive, but I wish I would’ve listened when they warned me.
I’ve been pretty sedentary these past few months, and I unfortunately think I’ve developed some agoraphobia. It’s awful. I want to start going to the gym again. I want to save money. I want to take my dog on more walks. I want to feel like myself again.
I look back at pictures of myself from when I first moved to a new city, and I remember how happy and vibrant I looked. I feel like I couldn’t be further away from that person now. The dissociation is so real.
I know I need to make a change. I just don’t know how to get from where I am now to where I want to be.
I’m going to bring all of this up with my therapist and psychiatrist because I also realize I probably haven’t been as honest about my weed usage as I should have been. I think it’s time to be completely honest and actually let people help me.
Has anyone else quit after using weed every day for a long time? What was it like for you? What helped make it easier?
I think I’m finally ready to try. I’m just scared. 😔