I don't feel like a person.
I posted this in the r/Autism subreddit ten months ago at the start of the semester and my year went on exactly how I suspected it would. By November I had already become convinced that everybody was watching me and talking about me behind my back and knew too much about me etc etc etc and pushed away every single person on purpose. I experience no symptoms of autism other than my difficulty forming close relationships and integrating into social groups, I also have a strong tendency towards magical thinking which pulls at me despite anything I might logically understand.
no pressure to read the whole post, but does anyone have advice for someone in my position? does it get better? does medication help with a problem like this? Friendship feels like my white whale and I don't think autism actually explains what I experience
post from sept. 2025 is as follows:
Hi everyone, I'm not sure if I'll post this, it may just stay in my drafts and be clarifying in the writing of it.
My name is Mia (not really) and I'm 18. I started my first year of university two weeks ago, I'm in a program which I absolutely love at a small liberal arts school known for its sense of community.
I was diagnosed with autism when I was fourteen through a psych-ed assessment, I was assessed as having social deficits and repetitive behaviour while lacking intellectual or language impairment. I haven't accessed academic accommodations for my disability, partly because I come from a family of educators and understand how much an IEP can prejudice teachers against you and partly because I don't feel like I deserve accommodations until my study habits are more consistent and I'm at least as hard a worker as most of my neurotypical peers, my largest diagnosed deficit has only been an issue when I haven't actually studied and it wouldn't be fair to ask for extra time to make up for that.
The most significant downside to my autism has been the social deficits. I would say that I mask quite strongly (though I'm sort of suspicious of the language of autistic "masking" versus the extent to which every person must put on an act in public) and the people who I have told, a few friends/classmates/partners throughout the years, have been surprised to find out I was autistic. This doesn't necessary mean that people can't tell. I often find myself on the outskirts of a friendship group, people will be so friendly and normal and nice to me but I'll still end up walking behind them on the sidewalk, or left out of the group chat. Even in the first few weeks of class I've found that I can always find people to chat to while waiting for class, always find people to sit with in the dining hall, often find people to go out to the larger parties or the campus bar with, but I haven't found anyone who I would really consider a friend and the group of people who I've been hanging out with have me paranoid that they're hanging out without me. (this isn't a them problem, it's a me problem, to be clear. I don't really think of social interaction as something other people should accommodate me in. I want to be included because I add to the group in an actual way and people find my presence enjoyable, not because of kindness or pity). I'm very much an extrovert, I love being around people, I love parties, I love concerts, I love going out, I love meeting new people, but I'm so "off" at social interaction that it's quite difficult for me to realise these things.
I tend to focus on the things I can control about myself. I've found in the past that looking more conventionally attractive makes me more approachable. I do my hair and my nails and go to the gym and dress well, and while I have a hard time figuring out how I look, I do very well on dating apps and I have most of the conventional signifiers of beauty (thinness, long hair etc), so I don't think my appearance is the factor stopping me from making friends at this point. Also, as a counterpoint to this frame of mind - ugly people do have friends, so even if I was delusional about my appearance the "problem" would likely be something else. I also have hobbies, goals and interests; I play guitar and bass and I do vocals sometimes, I go to local shows, I've cultivated an alright taste in old movies, I skate, I'm quite well-read for my age, I write, I can read tarot cards (even if I can only get myself to half-believe in them), I've listened to an insane amount of music, I'm well informed on current events. I'm, by my own measure, fairly interesting - but even "boring" or "basic" (not that I believe anyone is truly, in their heart, boring) people have friends, so my skills and hobbies are likely not the issue. I've also been trained fairly extensively in social skills. I went to occupational therapy weekly for two years when I was 7-9 and along with motor skills and practice trying new things in general I worked on specific social skills, things like standing in one place and looking people in the eye when in a conversation. I've had "how to win friends and influence people" summarised to me about ten million times by my mother, who is likely also neurodivergent and describes experiencing similar social difficulties in her youth, overcoming them by joining lots of activities and using strategies, things like remembering the name of everyone in her high school, giving people little gifts or (especially this one) asking people lots of questions about themselves. I've embarked on programmes of setting up anonymous social media accounts just to learn how to text so I can be less of a dry texter, or going on dates despite not really looking for a partner as a way of training myself to be a better conversationalist.
I feel like I've tried everything to make myself more approachable, more interesting, easier to talk to etc. I can't even tell if everyone else has me pinned down as autistic or if they just think I'm shy. In a lot of ways I wish I had never been diagnosed and I'm very glad that I wasn't diagnosed earlier, as it's been devastating to my confidence and I feel like having given an "out" earlier would have stopped me from making the progress that I have in being able to interface with the world. Part of me thinks that if I had never been diagnosed I would have grown into my personality and just realised how cool I was instead of coming to understand it as a problem and dealing with a massive inferiority complex. I really do try to think of neurodiversity as a difference instead of a deficit, but the fact that I have to try so so so hard to enjoy the one part of life that actually makes it worth living, that being relationships with other people, makes it difficult to appreciate the upsides. I'm by far the happiest when I feel like I actually belong, but I can think of maybe three instances in my life where this has been the case, and I really don't think it should come this difficult. I remember being newly diagnosed and likening the "different strengths and weaknesses" approach which was taken with me to experiencing liver failure and everyone around me complimenting my perfect tan and pretty yellow eyes. No matter how hard I try at social interaction and building relationships with people I like, I seem to fall short. I fail over and over and over and over again and it's exhausting. I feel like I'm missing some essential part of myself that makes me worth interacting with or being around, I feel like I not a full "person" in the same way that other people are.
The "call to action" part of this post is twofold:
- any others out there with a similar experience of the world? has it improved at all, how do you manage it?
- what other options might I haven't considered? I've modulated my appearance, developed "taste" and skills, tried analysing and strategising social interaction. what else might work? do you think it's an issue of mindset, of poor social skills, or something more inherent? are there any resources or techniques to address an issue like this?
If you've made it this far, thank you so much for just reading and seeing and considering my thoughts and experiences. Any strategies or anecdotes or reading recs or words of wisdom or really anything at all would be so completely appreciated, have an amazing day.