I sometimes hate my depressed husband. Is this normal?
I am a 32 year old married woman. I've been married to my husband for 6.5 years and we've been together for 14 years. He has been diagnosed with atypical depression and is on strong medication. He finally saw a psychiatrist and psychologist after 5 years of me begging him to. This is when he was diagnosed and prescribed medication. However, he has refused/made zero effort to continue under a psychiatrist. He doesn't exercise and eats incredibly unhealthy although he keeps telling me he wants to change and live a healthier life. He goes in circles where we have good weeks but then he goes down hard where he will stay in bed all weekend and sometimes work days too. When he does this, he falls behind on his work and spends his days trying to catch up on work. We don't spend much quality time together. He doesn't help much at home. As I work 6 days a week, ive hired a cleaner and a guy to do our lawns. Most other chores fall on me to do. Ive tried to be understanding. Ive told him many times that I can't go on Iike this. He promises to change and get help. I've done my best to support him in every possible way I can, but its taken a toll on me. He is such a difficult and stubborn man to be with. When he is good, he is great - he is kind, caring and more helpful. I remember why I love him. But I don't want this to be my life. I keep hoping things will get better. I really want to have a family. He told me he wanted to take all these vitamins to improve his sperm quality. He spent so much money buying all these expensive supplements - this was 2 months ago. And he still hasn't started taking them. I really want to have my own family. I am worried that my husband will never get his life in order. He knows how much this means to me. I feel so unloved and unwanted. I want to move on with my life. I want to feel desired and to have a genuine connection with someone. Is it wrong to wish these things? Sometimes I feel guilty that I think about my husband leaving my life and how much easier it would be. He has been in bed all weekend and right now, I hate him for it. He did this last weekend too. He sometimes spends so much time in bed that the sheets smell. So then I sleep in the spare room. This isn't normal. Sometimes I fantasise about me leaving and moving to the otherside of the world or me simply not being here anymore. Has anyone been in this situation? Does it get better? Can it get better? I understand having a mental illness isn't anyone's fault, but it doesn't change the fact that it's incredibly hard for the spouses subjected to it. I feel stuck and I wish it all could just end.