u/lostfairychangeling

i feel trapped in hell. no option is right. i can't handle being stuck in this body with this life & past.

i hate a large amount of humanity. if i never had to deal with another human being, maybe my dysphoria would be a little less bad, but id still have to live with this awful past and all the concepts that's been ingrained into me by society. even if the apocalypse killed off every other human, id still hate my reflection, and be reminded of all the shitty people in my life.

no amount of HRT or surgery (if o could even afford that) would ever fix most of my biggest problems. my bone structure will never change significantly enough to make me feel ok. i will never have the childhood i wanted. i will never be able to see others who live the life i should have lived and simply be happy without an enormous amount of envy and self hatred.

i thought transitioning would fix me. but the further i get into HRT the more i realize that it can only change some things. it will never change enough.

existing in this body is nearly 24/7 excruciating pain. my life is not worth it. it's not worth the pain just to sometimes see the sky and think "what a beautiful day" cause usually when i think that it's still overshadowed by how awful i feel.

i wish there was a way to restart, or just permanently live in a VR world or disassociate into a dream or coma.

i want to die so badly but every time ive attempted i just feel even more miserable. it just reminds me how awful life is, how even all the good things weren't enough to outweigh the bad. every time i plan or attempt my brain forces me to think "what if things change, what if it magically gets better" and guilt trips me for not thinking my life is good enough. im miserable either way, when i try to end it or when I try to push on and live. when i try to die that feeling / voice in my head tries to tell me that there is something precious i am giving up by dying. but i don't experience that precious feeling when im alive. so why is my brain trying to trick me.

it would be so much easier if i could just die in my sleep. having to go through the process and wait for my body to finally give up is almost as depressing as giving up on escape and trying to learn to like living. both options are awful, ive tried both

i feel like im in the lowest layer of hell but i don't even know what if did wrong

TRIGGER WARNING: contains lots of talk about body types & not passing, so those with heavy dysphoria proceed with caution. also maybe mildly NSFW. also may briefly mention abuse & mental health issues, including suicidality. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

dysphoria has always been something i've struggled with. i always knew i wanted to be a girl, and realized i was a trans woman as soon as i found out what that meant. and i knew i wanted to be on HRT and get bottom surgery as soon as i found out that was possible (since i was 13). so i had to spend my teenage years trapped in some fucked up body horror plot as my body changed into something i never wanted to be, something that looked like the awful man who abused me and my loved ones: my dad. by age 16 i was 6'1 and looked like a man. and i hated myself for it. i did my best to retain my femininity in any ways that i could but my dad did his best to force that out of me. he would always tell me it was inevitable. that i could try to resist it, to act all queer and effeminate, and act like i don't like doing 'manly' things (being a bigot), but i would eventually turn out to be just like him. he would try to convince me of that. he made me go to weekly swimming lessons, which broadens your shoulders, and he made me come to the gym and go on runs to build muscle. plus he kept me on a fucked up health diet that was basically keto, and had me malnourished but also more muscular and thin than i wanted.

people are always envious of me. they say "why would you ever want to gain weight? you should be happy." but when youre 6'1, broad shouldered, no hips, angular jaw and in general a very masc build, having no fat just makes u look more angular and muscular. i don't even have much muscle anymore. i desperately avoid exercise. ive been trying to gain weight for the past ten years, overeating and laying around. but still, i look like an athletic man.

i wanted to get on HRT so bad but was terrified of even coming out to my parents as trans because of how awful they already were to me. eventually the dysphoria got too much to bare so i opted out of life. i dissociated heavily and avoiding thinking about what i actually wanted or needed in life,, just went with the motions and did what i was supposed to. and i was fucking miserable. i didn't snap out of that dissociative haze till i was 19. my life had gotten so awful and i had become something i hated. so i felt i finally should start my transition. better late than never, i thought with optimistic naiievity.

my transition had a really slow start. my doctor was awful and refused to put me on anything higher than 25mg Spiro, and made me wait 1 year to start estrogen, which he kept locked at 2mg for the next 2 years. he told me that was standard procedure, and i foolishly trusted him. i didn't have the time to deep dive into learning the science myself. i thought the doctor would handle that. plus i was stuck in an abusive relationship for a few years, something i ended up in thanks to my dissociation making me unable to think clearly.

eventually i found a better doctor, and raised my spiro and e, and eventually got on e injections and progesterone. it's been over 4 years since i started my HRT journey, and the results are less impressive than many people have achieved in 4 months. when i started i had this foolish hope that maybe one day id look how i wanted to. that one day id look as pretty as these other girls, many who started hrt at 18 or just always had a femme build.

on the bright side, my face has softened a tiny bit, and i have softer skin and less body hair. plus im less horny and stinky which is nice. and i have nice boobs. but i still look basically the same, besides some slight changes. it's like if you get in an accident and break all the bones in your body. after 4 years of recovery, you can move your pinky finger. and people tell you that you should be happy about that. but it just adds insult to injury. i know i haven't changed much cause people can still easily recognize me from years ago, and whenever someone is attracted to me it's always cause they either want me to dominate them or because they're into masculine features. i still don't have an ass. im still top heavy. and angular. im still tall as hell. i never even cared much about having nice boobs. i wanted to be petite and pear shaped but that will never happen.

i might sound ungrateful. i know some people would kill to have my body type. but they're not me. id kill to not have my body type. if only i could die then restart in a new form...

you can try to tell me i need therapy. im on the (year long) waitlist for some free options, but good therapy is expensive. ive had therapy before. it helps a tiny bit but id need thousands of sessions to feel ok.

some have tried to tell me "you're not that tall/broad/masc etc" but it feels like they're just lying to me. sure, 6 feet isn't tall compared to the empire state building. i don't look as masc as hulk hogan. but neither does tom cruise, yet he still looks like a man.

people try to remind me that there are plenty of tall women, and being tall doesn't make you masculine. that was help if my main goal was to pass. i would rather be a short and cute femboy that everyone knows is male than a tall and broad shouldered woman that passes as cis. i transitioned to a woman because i want to be treated more like one than like a man. but i know a soft, feminine looking short guy often gets treated as one of the girls more than a tall meaty looking woman. cause i seen it happen many times. i have some friends who don't even identify as women, they're just short and femme looking amab people yet they still get treated as a woman more than i do, and ive met many cis women who are wide shouldered or tall who are excluded by other women for this.

plus even if i was suddenly treated like other women, id still have this height dysphoria. i never wanted to be tall. i miss being short. when i was short i was treated in a more feminine way, and my lived experiences caused me to associate being tall with the experiences i had as i grew larger, being more excluded by women than before, being treated like a dude, and forced to act in ways i didn't like. and i associate tallness with the awful people from my childhood.

i don't know how to just change how my lived experiences from the past 20+ years have shaped the way you think. i've tried talking about this in therapy but they don't understand. they just say the same useless bullshit cope that i see on Reddit, trying to gaslight you into forgetting that you hate your body. it doesn't work that way. the solution seems a lot easier when you don't have the problem. "have you tried loving yourself for the woman you are? have you tried just not feeling dysphoric?" that's like asking a drug addict "have you tried to quit the drugs?" like no shit but it's not easy to do that. sitting at a mirror and telling myself that im pretty doesn't help. i am pretty, for a man. im pretty for a brick. a lot of people find me pretty. those people are always primarily attracted to men or masculine / meaty women. plus i don't want to be pretty, i want to be small. id rather be an ugly ratty looking short petite person than a tall model. i can't change how i wish i was. ive tried.

ill never be much shorter (maybe an inch at most, but even if i was under 5'11 id be too tall). my shoulders will never narrow. ill never look like how i really am on the inside. people will always assume things based on my appearance and they'll treat me in ways i despise. even if i could afford all the surgeries in the world it would never fix me. i will always want to tear my skin off my body, and jump into a wood chipper.

the only time i managed to not feel that way was when i dissociated heavily for years before transitioning, but it made me an awful person cause i wasn't paying attention to how my actions affected others. i was just trying to escape life, like killing my inside without killing my outside. i don't want to do that again.

but that is still less painful than having to somehow live with this, being stuck this way forever. i can't learn to like being manly. the very idea of that makes me want to die. and even though dying sounds scary and painful, it's better than an indefinite lifetime in this nightmare

don't worry, you don't have to call the hotline. im not going to kill myself. but if someone else could do it for me, that would be a lifesaver ;)

also i can't even have healthy relationships (both dating and friendships) with people. when im with more masculine looking people, i just see them and think i probably look the same. when im with more feminine looking people i just compare myself. i try not to but it's hard when im hanging out with someone who's smaller than me who references things in their life i never got to do, with such a carefree and happy vibe and outgoing personality because they don't know what it's like.

it's even worse when it's a passing transfemme. ive met some transfemmes that didn't even need her they were just always built like that.

it doesn't help that part of me is attracted to feminine people because i wish i could look like them, but also seeing them just makes me want to die. it's a lose/lose.

i been with a couple partners recently who just always had a big ass even before hrt. and a few who passed easily and didn't even get dysphoric.

it's hard to be around them. i feel bad because i end up taking it out on them. they talk about cute guys being into them, or they socialize very confidently or mention things like getting to watch 'girly' shows with their sister growing up, things i never got to experience cause i wasn't allowed anything feminine. it just pisses me off especially when it's other transfemmes. because at least when it's cis women i can just tell myself "oh well that's cause they got raised differently than AMAB people do" but when other AMAB people were allowed those things it's just a reminder that everything about me is hypermasculine and i can't even relate to the other trans women cause i wasn't allowed to show any femininity. i feel like my dysphoria is contagious im afraid to even socialize because when i hang out with other trans women i probably make them feel bad for being prettier than me. unless they have similar levels of dysphoria in which case id make them more dysphoric. and cis women would just get pissed off that i envy them. and if i just hang out with cis men id get more dysphoric. and if i hung out with trans men id make them dysphoric and they'd make me dysphoric.

i just get angry at anyone who has the things ill never have. you don't need to tell me they have it hard too. i know. but some people can cope with their body. i can't. at all.

i don't know what could possibly help me. i can't lie to myself and convince myself i don't have the features i have. i can't love those features on myself, even if i can love them on others. it's like if someone suddenly shaved you bald against your will. you might think others look good bald, but if you never wanted to be bald, you'd hate it. maybe you'd wear a wig. but you can't put a wig on height. i can't learn to love looking masculine. i can't pretend i don't look masculine. i tried just coping with the fact that i hate my appearance but it can't do that either. my presence only brings others down. why do they try to force me to stay alive? just so they can watch me fail?

i don't know what i must have done in a past life to deserve this.