r/DysphoriaPosting

All I can think about is the girls that got killed, and how being harassed by a bunch of lil kids that are calling me a faggot is better than getting stabbed, but I love existing in a society where children are learning to be predators and are being rewarded for the behavior.

I look fucking disgusting actually and that is what it is and I've gotta go for my run still but I hurt myself a few weeks ago and I can't really put weight on it. But I can walk. So I go out and have panic attacks trying to get back into my apartment building while trying not to cry because I recognized some people who had previously called me slurs in the parking lot and it was just overwhelming after trying to just get through the day. SoI deactivated my ig. It's been three years ahahahaha what the fuck am I doing friends??? I think about how maybe I wouldn't be in so much pain if I'd just given myself the closed casket special instead of doing this humiliation ritual

I hate my body so fucking much

Why do mainstream trans communities have to shame ppl for being dysphoric. Yeah there's cis men who are short but if i was cis I'd be 5'8 minimum. Yeah there's cis men with big hips but they have dick and balls attached. Yeah cis women have facial hair which they get zapped off immediately. come on man

Today I’m going to take some sleeping pills. Well the whole bottle 100ct. My wife doesn’t love me. Most of my family is dead and what’s left are alcoholics.
The only thing here for me is my daughter. The reason I’m still here. I’m not going be strong enough to be completely alone 1/2 the time for a few more years then 100% alone I’m an introvert with made anxiety, my was my best friend. I’m losing to much and I don’t see me ever being happy again so why why not. Wife will be there for my daughter and she’ll forget about me. I’m also worried about it not working. This is it I can feel it I’m just realy scared.
Why is this happening. Why wtf!!

i was looking forward to college solely because i’d be able to cut my hair shorter for the first time without my parents knowing and then it’d grow back to like a bob by christmas. now they just found out about some parents and family weekend in october!! so now i can’t fucking cut my hair like a boy without them knowing. any time i try or plan to do anything to even relieve my dysphoria a little bit it never fucking works out. and i wont even be able to use my name or preferred pronouns in college and i had to put down for a girl roommate instead of being allowed to be in gender inclusive housing i just want to be able to cut my hair so badly for once in my life. the universe is always against me i need to be dead so fucking bad

Not even a bad book btw. It’s actually been my favorite since I read tapers by Tony Domenico, but I’m having the same issue all over again. I can’t stand it because the main character has (had?) a son and is a father. I don’t even get the chance to have my son go missing. Except I do. That’s the worst part. I am still fertile. It’s not even like an accident took it away. It’s my own fault that I dont want to be pregnant. Even from my own community. It’s “weak masculinity” and I have nothing to fear because men got beer bellies. Fucking disease. No amount of phalloplasty metoidioplasty or what have you will make me a father. Nothing but pumping myself up with a baby and reminders I’m apparently a man for that. Shitheads suggest cum filled strap ons like I want sperm for the novelty of it.

TRIGGER WARNING: contains lots of talk about body types & not passing, so those with heavy dysphoria proceed with caution. also maybe mildly NSFW. also may briefly mention abuse & mental health issues, including suicidality. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

dysphoria has always been something i've struggled with. i always knew i wanted to be a girl, and realized i was a trans woman as soon as i found out what that meant. and i knew i wanted to be on HRT and get bottom surgery as soon as i found out that was possible (since i was 13). so i had to spend my teenage years trapped in some fucked up body horror plot as my body changed into something i never wanted to be, something that looked like the awful man who abused me and my loved ones: my dad. by age 16 i was 6'1 and looked like a man. and i hated myself for it. i did my best to retain my femininity in any ways that i could but my dad did his best to force that out of me. he would always tell me it was inevitable. that i could try to resist it, to act all queer and effeminate, and act like i don't like doing 'manly' things (being a bigot), but i would eventually turn out to be just like him. he would try to convince me of that. he made me go to weekly swimming lessons, which broadens your shoulders, and he made me come to the gym and go on runs to build muscle. plus he kept me on a fucked up health diet that was basically keto, and had me malnourished but also more muscular and thin than i wanted.

people are always envious of me. they say "why would you ever want to gain weight? you should be happy." but when youre 6'1, broad shouldered, no hips, angular jaw and in general a very masc build, having no fat just makes u look more angular and muscular. i don't even have much muscle anymore. i desperately avoid exercise. ive been trying to gain weight for the past ten years, overeating and laying around. but still, i look like an athletic man.

i wanted to get on HRT so bad but was terrified of even coming out to my parents as trans because of how awful they already were to me. eventually the dysphoria got too much to bare so i opted out of life. i dissociated heavily and avoiding thinking about what i actually wanted or needed in life,, just went with the motions and did what i was supposed to. and i was fucking miserable. i didn't snap out of that dissociative haze till i was 19. my life had gotten so awful and i had become something i hated. so i felt i finally should start my transition. better late than never, i thought with optimistic naiievity.

my transition had a really slow start. my doctor was awful and refused to put me on anything higher than 25mg Spiro, and made me wait 1 year to start estrogen, which he kept locked at 2mg for the next 2 years. he told me that was standard procedure, and i foolishly trusted him. i didn't have the time to deep dive into learning the science myself. i thought the doctor would handle that. plus i was stuck in an abusive relationship for a few years, something i ended up in thanks to my dissociation making me unable to think clearly.

eventually i found a better doctor, and raised my spiro and e, and eventually got on e injections and progesterone. it's been over 4 years since i started my HRT journey, and the results are less impressive than many people have achieved in 4 months. when i started i had this foolish hope that maybe one day id look how i wanted to. that one day id look as pretty as these other girls, many who started hrt at 18 or just always had a femme build.

on the bright side, my face has softened a tiny bit, and i have softer skin and less body hair. plus im less horny and stinky which is nice. and i have nice boobs. but i still look basically the same, besides some slight changes. it's like if you get in an accident and break all the bones in your body. after 4 years of recovery, you can move your pinky finger. and people tell you that you should be happy about that. but it just adds insult to injury. i know i haven't changed much cause people can still easily recognize me from years ago, and whenever someone is attracted to me it's always cause they either want me to dominate them or because they're into masculine features. i still don't have an ass. im still top heavy. and angular. im still tall as hell. i never even cared much about having nice boobs. i wanted to be petite and pear shaped but that will never happen.

i might sound ungrateful. i know some people would kill to have my body type. but they're not me. id kill to not have my body type. if only i could die then restart in a new form...

you can try to tell me i need therapy. im on the (year long) waitlist for some free options, but good therapy is expensive. ive had therapy before. it helps a tiny bit but id need thousands of sessions to feel ok.

some have tried to tell me "you're not that tall/broad/masc etc" but it feels like they're just lying to me. sure, 6 feet isn't tall compared to the empire state building. i don't look as masc as hulk hogan. but neither does tom cruise, yet he still looks like a man.

people try to remind me that there are plenty of tall women, and being tall doesn't make you masculine. that was help if my main goal was to pass. i would rather be a short and cute femboy that everyone knows is male than a tall and broad shouldered woman that passes as cis. i transitioned to a woman because i want to be treated more like one than like a man. but i know a soft, feminine looking short guy often gets treated as one of the girls more than a tall meaty looking woman. cause i seen it happen many times. i have some friends who don't even identify as women, they're just short and femme looking amab people yet they still get treated as a woman more than i do, and ive met many cis women who are wide shouldered or tall who are excluded by other women for this.

plus even if i was suddenly treated like other women, id still have this height dysphoria. i never wanted to be tall. i miss being short. when i was short i was treated in a more feminine way, and my lived experiences caused me to associate being tall with the experiences i had as i grew larger, being more excluded by women than before, being treated like a dude, and forced to act in ways i didn't like. and i associate tallness with the awful people from my childhood.

i don't know how to just change how my lived experiences from the past 20+ years have shaped the way you think. i've tried talking about this in therapy but they don't understand. they just say the same useless bullshit cope that i see on Reddit, trying to gaslight you into forgetting that you hate your body. it doesn't work that way. the solution seems a lot easier when you don't have the problem. "have you tried loving yourself for the woman you are? have you tried just not feeling dysphoric?" that's like asking a drug addict "have you tried to quit the drugs?" like no shit but it's not easy to do that. sitting at a mirror and telling myself that im pretty doesn't help. i am pretty, for a man. im pretty for a brick. a lot of people find me pretty. those people are always primarily attracted to men or masculine / meaty women. plus i don't want to be pretty, i want to be small. id rather be an ugly ratty looking short petite person than a tall model. i can't change how i wish i was. ive tried.

ill never be much shorter (maybe an inch at most, but even if i was under 5'11 id be too tall). my shoulders will never narrow. ill never look like how i really am on the inside. people will always assume things based on my appearance and they'll treat me in ways i despise. even if i could afford all the surgeries in the world it would never fix me. i will always want to tear my skin off my body, and jump into a wood chipper.

the only time i managed to not feel that way was when i dissociated heavily for years before transitioning, but it made me an awful person cause i wasn't paying attention to how my actions affected others. i was just trying to escape life, like killing my inside without killing my outside. i don't want to do that again.

but that is still less painful than having to somehow live with this, being stuck this way forever. i can't learn to like being manly. the very idea of that makes me want to die. and even though dying sounds scary and painful, it's better than an indefinite lifetime in this nightmare

don't worry, you don't have to call the hotline. im not going to kill myself. but if someone else could do it for me, that would be a lifesaver ;)

also i can't even have healthy relationships (both dating and friendships) with people. when im with more masculine looking people, i just see them and think i probably look the same. when im with more feminine looking people i just compare myself. i try not to but it's hard when im hanging out with someone who's smaller than me who references things in their life i never got to do, with such a carefree and happy vibe and outgoing personality because they don't know what it's like.

it's even worse when it's a passing transfemme. ive met some transfemmes that didn't even need her they were just always built like that.

it doesn't help that part of me is attracted to feminine people because i wish i could look like them, but also seeing them just makes me want to die. it's a lose/lose.

i been with a couple partners recently who just always had a big ass even before hrt. and a few who passed easily and didn't even get dysphoric.

it's hard to be around them. i feel bad because i end up taking it out on them. they talk about cute guys being into them, or they socialize very confidently or mention things like getting to watch 'girly' shows with their sister growing up, things i never got to experience cause i wasn't allowed anything feminine. it just pisses me off especially when it's other transfemmes. because at least when it's cis women i can just tell myself "oh well that's cause they got raised differently than AMAB people do" but when other AMAB people were allowed those things it's just a reminder that everything about me is hypermasculine and i can't even relate to the other trans women cause i wasn't allowed to show any femininity. i feel like my dysphoria is contagious im afraid to even socialize because when i hang out with other trans women i probably make them feel bad for being prettier than me. unless they have similar levels of dysphoria in which case id make them more dysphoric. and cis women would just get pissed off that i envy them. and if i just hang out with cis men id get more dysphoric. and if i hung out with trans men id make them dysphoric and they'd make me dysphoric.

i just get angry at anyone who has the things ill never have. you don't need to tell me they have it hard too. i know. but some people can cope with their body. i can't. at all.

i don't know what could possibly help me. i can't lie to myself and convince myself i don't have the features i have. i can't love those features on myself, even if i can love them on others. it's like if someone suddenly shaved you bald against your will. you might think others look good bald, but if you never wanted to be bald, you'd hate it. maybe you'd wear a wig. but you can't put a wig on height. i can't learn to love looking masculine. i can't pretend i don't look masculine. i tried just coping with the fact that i hate my appearance but it can't do that either. my presence only brings others down. why do they try to force me to stay alive? just so they can watch me fail?

i don't know what i must have done in a past life to deserve this.

I'm so jealous of cis women

I see so many cis women outside wearing pretty dresses. I WANT TO LOOK LIKE THEM AND DRESS FEMININE TOO WTF????

Why am I trapped in such a moid body???

I want to look good and pretty and wear a nice dress to show my legs and stuff...

But my body is just too disgusting and deformed.

I'm just so cooked. I want to be a woman and I'll never be able to be one. I hate it here...

WHY COULDN'T I HAVE JUST BEEN BORN A GIRL?! WHY COULDN'T I BE BORN RIGHT?! IT'S JUST NOT FAIRRR

This is an extremely odd take that I dont expect anyone to agree with or relate to but ive always been SO dysphoric at people telling me that gender can be anything *as a binary trans male* because it aligns my binary gender that I hate so much because being trans is the biggest burden to me and puts it in the same category as fun identities.

I dont see me being trans as an identity because its something that was forced upon me and I have to be despite the pain it brings me. Identity somewhat makes it sound like theres a choice involved. Im only transitioning because I cannot handle living without it. If I had any less dysphoria, id go back to being a cis woman.

So it feels invalidating when my binary transition is in the same category as people who identify with neos and xenos *ofc nothing wrong with those. I would use xenos if being a trans male didnt already bring so much pain.*

I wish transexual didnt have so much hateful history behind it because i align so much more heavily with that sense my goal is to appear as close to the opposite sex as possible. My transition is about my sex. I hope this made sense!

What’s the point? I don’t fit in with my cis girl friends cause I was born male, I don’t fit in with other trans girls around me because I’m black. I’m an autistic retard who lost all of her college friends because I’m a worthless subhuman incapable of human connection. My family thinks I’m a freak and I have to pass and go stealth just to be accepted because being a black autistic tranny is basically asking to be ostracized or killed. And yeah I can pass but I’ll never be considered pretty the way white girls are. Nobody will ever choose me over a white woman or a cis woman. I’m defective with a disgusting body. It’s humiliating how my friends know I’m trans. Oh look at the disgusting brown-skinned freak with male genitalia I bet she has a bbc or dark areolas.

Literally done. I cannot live anymore. I refuse to live in a world that hates me. Cis people and transphobes won and their prize is my corpse which’ll probably be buried under my deadname or just left to rot if I’m lucky. I’m a worthless fucking waste and I’ll never be loved or wanted. I deserve to die since I’m such a fucking retard

I had one shot at life and I was born the lowest of the low. A literal subhuman freak inferior to everybody else. I could’ve been born normal but instead I’m a gross unlovable freak. No wonder I’ve been abused, raped, and tortured most of my life. I practically deserve it for being so worthless and disgusting.

At least I won’t procreate and create anymore genetic abominations like me

I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die

I keep seeing people say that trans people are just mentally ill perverts and sometimes maybe I think its true for me. I keep seeing transphobes post about studies that supposedly proved that gender affirming care is not actually helpful and I'm scared to think that they're right even when I know theres probably a hundred more studies that contradict it. What if I'm just a stupid fucking tranny and will never be a real man. What if I'm just a sex addicted pervert who is one step away from assaulting someone cause I'm a tranny. Maybe I just need to die