u/HelicopterNo1216

i was looking forward to college solely because i’d be able to cut my hair shorter for the first time without my parents knowing and then it’d grow back to like a bob by christmas. now they just found out about some parents and family weekend in october!! so now i can’t fucking cut my hair like a boy without them knowing. any time i try or plan to do anything to even relieve my dysphoria a little bit it never fucking works out. and i wont even be able to use my name or preferred pronouns in college and i had to put down for a girl roommate instead of being allowed to be in gender inclusive housing i just want to be able to cut my hair so badly for once in my life. the universe is always against me i need to be dead so fucking bad

i got waitlisted from my dream school (nyu, doubt i’m getting in though my application wasn’t that strong) and i finally paid my deposit after getting my other choices extended for 2 weeks. the college i picked is awesome and much more affordable than what nyu would’ve been but i just can’t make myself get excited about it. it feels so dumb because nyu isn’t all that it’s just what i spent my last 4 years looking forward to. i just don’t know how i can force myself to be happy going to somewhere i didn’t want to go to in the first place in a place i never wanted to be in. i guess i just thought something would finally work out for me. :(

i've gotten pulled out of therapy twice because the therapists suggested medication as the only remaining option to improve my mental health. both times i couldn't even tell them much anyways since they had to get me christian therapists since all the other ones would "tell me to be trans." now my moms put me on some hormones which is really upsetting for me because i am actually trans and being on estrogen is probably gonna make my physical gender dysphoria so much worse. she didn't even get any of the stuff from a real doctor she gets all her advice from homeschool moms on facebook! i have to get blood tests all the fucking time but not to show to a doctor no, she sends them to random homeschool moms on facebook who don't even have ANY medical training. i might not even be able to stay in college dorms this fall since i don't have any vaccines! my mom SERIOUSLY believes that eating only "whole foods" and hormone cream is going to heal my ocd. my ocd has kept me from getting my drivers license for the last two years and that and my other mental health issues and gender dysphoria have made me hate myself so much i don't leave the house or talk to anyone. i just lay in bed all day and i don't have any hobbies and i'm not good at a single thing. i've even been complaining to my mom about super bad chest pain over my heart for YEARS now and my parents still won't take me to a doctor. the few times i have gone for well child visits because i needed physicals signed she refuses to leave the room and yells at me and my sister the whole car ride home because we didn't seem "happy enough" and now the doctors gonna think "all homeschool kids are depressed." i'm so tired of this bullshit oh my god i just want to speak with a doctor i can trust for once

why are there guys everywhere :( i can't play a video game leave the house scroll on social media without seeing a guy and getting disgustingly jealous. even more so if i see a trans guy whos out or passes or has supportive parents or has top surgery or is on t or even just has short hair or boy clothes. and then i see myself and my long hair and remember that i'm going to die this way one day and how i wish my life was different and if i had a future like them

I still haven’t committed yet (down to the wire 😭) because I was waiting to hear back from the Emerson financial aid office. I was almost 99% sure I was going to DePaul but I got a nice scholarship appeal so now I’m split. I just never expected Emerson to work out for me so I was very mentally committed to DePaul. Me and my dad are probably going to visit on Wednesday but I feel so used to DePaul I don’t really have much time to think on Emerson. I hope to move to LA after graduation and I know both schools have LA programs, DePaul has cinespace and Emerson has a nice alumni network. If anyone has any perspectives on either it’d be much appreciated because I’ve been stressing a lot over this today lol it’s a huge decision :))