I sometimes feel that I’m more hurt by the post-affair period than by the affair itself.
I’ll try to keep it simple. We’ve been married 15+ years. We have young children. Two months ago I discovered an emotional and physical affair my wife was having this summer.
The “positive” is that my wife ended her affair within 45 minutes of me discovering it and has been no contact since. She shows regret. She shows what I think is remorse. She seems very committed to repair. She puts in a lot of effort even though some of the efforts feel misguided to me. For example, she does a lot of extra chores now…this is logistically helpful and I appreciate it but I’d much rather her just be more patient and gentle and present with me emotionally when I’m sad than to do the dishes.
There’s just something essential that feels missing.
I feel like there hasn’t been a true “come to Jesus” moment where she feels like “what the hell was I thinking? What I did was insane. I almost lost my husband! I almost lost everything I care about.”
At this point, I’m not looking for justice or fairness or even a full understanding of everything that happened. I’m asking for the affair and its aftermath to have cracked something open in her…to have been the catalyzing moment she realized what she almost lost.
I want her to feel the potential loss fully, viscerally, as love for ME and love of US. I want this post-affair period to become a kind of terrible gift that clarified things and made things better in the long run. Who knows, maybe it still will be. I know we’re still very early in the process.
But right now…instead it feels like it cracked something open in her that’s still unclear. Like she still doesn’t know what’s really going on inside her, but that she’s choosing me and our family regardless of her feelings. To me, that choice feels like a choice done out of duty. I desperately want it to be more than duty.
And honestly, I don’t even care about if I seem pathetic or weak. I love her and I want her to love me back like I’m her one and only. Like she does not think about “what else, what else is out there.” Like I am all she needs. That’s it. I need that. And i feel like I could forgive much easier if I received that.
Maybe I’m the delusional one. I probably am. But I’m willing to sit with that. I don’t care. I just want to feel happy again.
Anyone experienced anything like this? Im open to advice or really anyone’s stories.