Getting iced out has got to be one of the worst experiences ever. How can I be a better friend?
Going from a core girl group, chatting 24/7, hanging out almost every weekend, to radio silence, new group chats with everyone else still in them but me, seeing everyone hanging out still on social me (but me)… I’m trying so hard to be strong, but nothing is working. I’m suffering greatly. I just lay on my floor with pain.
It’s even harder because it all intertwines with a larger network of friends and acquaintances. I can’t simply escape the ones icing me out because we share tons of mutuals and lots of group hangs. I’m trying to emotionally detach from these girls, but it’s hard when I’m still surrounded by them. And talk about confusing!
Confusing because I’ve tried talking to them together and separately multiple times. But their actions never match their words. They say they hear me, but then continue to ignore me. I’m at an utter loss. Confusing because I feel so strongly that there a bunch of double standards that exist. They have these unspoken rules for me, not for thee, and I apparently keep fucking them up. When I see one girl say something or act a certain way within the group, I assume it’s a green light for others as well. But when I match the behaviors, it’s not accepted. It’s rejected and I’m the bitch. It’s so confusing 😩
Confusing because they all talk shit about each other… or maybe it’s just venting? Idk, I’m trying to learn more about that. Because to me, it always sounds like talking shit and judging. But im being told this is different and is “venting.” They’ll “vent” or complain about each other to me, and it leaves me confused. I think, “so do you like your friend or not?”
Confusing because I feel villainized for my life changing, even though it’s been for the better. I got into a happy, healthy relationship. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness(which sucks), so I started staying home a lot more. Instead of seeing the girls 2-3x a week, it went down to once a week. I thought that was fine considering we’re in our 30s and chatting 24/7 in texts! But I could tell, especially with the one girl I was closest with, that she wasn’t truly happy for me, despite her claiming otherwise. I mean, of the other girls got a boo, too. And they’re genuinely happy for her. The genuine happiness for her vs. the disdain for my happiness is palpable.
I don’t think I’m a bad person, but lately I’ve been convinced otherwise. I have been through so much trauma (and therapy) in life that I feel comfortable navigating the uncomfortable, having tough convos, giving grace to yourself and others, all of that. I believe in working through conflict with people you love vs. throwing in the towel and chopping it up to “fuck that bitch.”And again, confusing because I never did anything outright savage to these ladies. No petty shit, no dropping them cold for months because of new bf, none of the usual tropes you hear. Which is why I’m CONFUSED!
I have CPTSD — and hyper independence and also hyper awareness from it. I’m learning (I’m back in therapy bc of all this) that the hyper independence could be turning people off. I’m also learning that female friendship dynamics can work in very particular and subtle ways, with a “ringleader” they call it, doing very subtle things to ice you out while keeping the other girls in line. And other people will comply out of fear of getting iced out, too.
I don’t even know what this post is. I’m just hurting so fucking bad, gahdamn. I feel like I have swaths of friends creating distance because of this one friend having a long, painful falling out with me. Are all of the recent feelings I’m feeling real, or paranoia? It’s hard to tell when all the group chats you were in suddenly go cold. It’s hard not to internalize that. I’m scared they’re just running wild, talking whatever shit, because again, it feels “good” to have someone to shit on. Your suffering becomes their source of entertainment. And I’m just trying to figure out WHY and WHAT I did. Was I a bad friend to all these girls for the last 5, 6, 7 years?
xoxo Lost as Hell and Also WTF And Also How Can I Be a Better Friend And Also… WTF.