u/lsdryn2

Like a month ago, I was broke. The international conference being in the same state as me was haunting me. Would there ever be another time that I would still be in my 30s that I could just drive across the state and be at the international fucking conference? No.

And then I get a new job, I’m making more money, I have weekends off. And then the hotel is sold out. Fuck. Oh well, it’s not meant to be.

I text one friend on the outreach committee, that apparently I went to high school with, but don’t remember because both of us were fucked up the whole time. He knows the guy who can’t go anymore who had a room. Boom, hotel transferred.

I get to spend a three day weekend staying in the same hotel as the convention, in a city I’ve never been to without being incredibly drunk, and I’m just so fucking happy. Like this is God‘s Will. I never thought this would work out and now it is because it’s supposed to.

Two years into this in life is finally starting to going incredibly well.

Hey AA,

I’ve been sober for two years. When I was newly sober, I was unemployed, and hit the step work hard with my original sponsor. I was 100 days sober and trying to make amends for the harm I had caused everyone. But looking back, they weren’t real amends; they were me trying to show I’ve changed to gain forgiveness from people so I could get back into their lives. When the culmination of all the wrongs I did came to a head, my then fiancé told me I needed to quit drinking, so I did, because I wanted to save the relationship. It didn’t work, but I did recognize that even though what I wanted out of sobriety wasn’t going to happen, it was still helping me survive.

For the first four ish months of sobriety, I was still living with my ex fiancé while I figured out where to live. When she told me it didn’t matter what I did, that the relationship was over, I quit looking her in the eyes. She always complimented my eyes and this was my way of taking that from her.

Fast forward 2 years.

I live alone in an apartment with my cat, I still go to meetings, I have a new sponsor, we start the step work all over. We read every page, I have four colors of highlighters, and a pen. We meet every week, diligently working each step. Weeks ago I went to her home and I bared my soul in step 5; everything I had ever fucked up was spilled to her with nothing held back.

Then we got to amends. When I last tried amends there was two outcomes; either you didn’t want to hear me out and I left you alone, or I got to say what I said and it didn’t matter because I wanted something. I was terrified to even try again. So, what do I do when I’m terrified? I turned it over to God.

So, eventually, I gained the willingness to text the person I had harmed the most in my entire life. I asked her for a conversation. She asked me what it was about. I told her I was working my program seriously and that I had amends to offer. And my surprise, she agreed to meet with me.

Last week we met at a park. It was sunny. I left my sunglasses in the car, not wanting to be petty, not wanting to shield my face. I sat down across a picnic table from my ex fiancé. I had not seen her in a very long time. And in a way, I guess I still haven’t, because she wore her sunglasses. I didn’t know it, but when I was newly sober, that was the last time I would ever see her eyes. Well played on her part.

And without getting into specifics, I said what I said, I accepted full accountability for all of my actions, I didn’t make excuses. I looked that woman in the face and told her all of the things I had ever done wrong.

And what I didn’t do, is that I didn’t tell her how well I was doing these days, I didn’t tell her how I was a different person, or about the great work I’ve done in AA and in therapy, about how the four people who have stuck around me since before I got sober hardly believe I’m the same person, I didn’t tell her I wanted anything; because I didn’t.

And what she told me, was that she forgave me; but she did not want me in her life at all.

And I guess what I have to say is, a long time ago, that would’ve broken me. But I didn’t meet with her because I wanted anything. I met with her so that I could say what I had to say, to apologize, to take full accountability, to ask her if there’s anything I had not acknowledged, and to offer anything I could do to make right the wrongs. And I succeeded. The rest, what she did, was not up to me. I used to be a very manipulative person, and I have made great strides and not being that person anymore. So when she said she forgave me, well, that was great, but when she said that she didn’t want me in her life at all; I accepted that, I truly did. I took care of the things. She asked me to do immediately, told her I had completed those things, and I can’t imagine the situation where I ever reach out to her again because that is what she asked for after hearing what I had to say.

And honestly, it feels great. I’m finally free of carrying that with me. She didn’t learn anything new, because there wasn’t anything I hadn’t told her before or that she didn’t already know about, but I spelled everything out with no gray area. I said that a shorter way to say “I did those things when I was drinking” is to say “I did those things”. Because that’s the truth, alcohol isn’t an excuse for doing shitty things. Alcohol is not an excuse for who I was. Full accountability. My side of the street cleaned up.
I’m really grateful for this program of recovery because without it, well, a lot of things, but today, it’s because of the inner peace that I feel.