I Wish My Parents Had Never Had Another Child
First of all, I'm really glad I found this subreddit. Today I realized just how deeply exhausted I am from living the same reality every single day, and I needed to find people who actually understand what this feels like.
So... here it goes. I have an older brother who was born with a condition that prevents him from walking or talking. He's completely dependent on my parents for everything, and they literally live their entire lives around taking care of him. And I honestly find myself wondering every single day... why did they decide to have another child after him? (For some context, I have an older sister, then my brother, and then I was born three years later.) Why? What was the reason for having another child when things were already so difficult? Just thinking about it makes me so frustrated. From the bottom of my heart, I wish I'd never been born into a family like this. I've spent my whole life dealing with my brother's meltdowns. He cries, screams, throws things, breaks things, and he also has epilepsy. Living with all of this has given me constant anxiety. I always feel like I'm waiting for the next meltdown. When it happens, I have to hide because seeing people makes him even angrier. I put my headphones on at full volume because the sounds he makes terrify me and trigger my anxiety. Everything about it makes me anxious. I'm also constantly scared that he'll have another seizure. And I keep thinking... if something serious happens, how are we even supposed to get an obese adult man to the hospital? Thoughts like that never leave my mind. It's exhausting.
He eats all day long, and if he has to wait too long for food, he gets angry again. Every single day revolves around this cycle.
Lately, though, I feel like I'm reaching my breaking point and what scares me the most is the future. I'm terrified that one day I'll be expected to take care of him after my parents can't anymore. I definitely don't want that. I feel like a horrible person for saying it, but I'd rather die than spend the rest of my life living like this. I just can't do it anymore.
I've been seriously thinking about moving away. My older sister is lucky enough to live at her university, so she's rarely home. I honestly envy her. But even then... she's not far enough away. I feel like I need to go somewhere really, really really far.
Anyway... I just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this