u/luikino

Okay, so I’ve been going through hell mentally for a while and I’m at the point where I’m either fighting god not to kill myself or too exhausted to try. For less than a week out of a month I feel okay but I still have major issues kind of struggling.

I’ve been wanting to tell a friend as a “let you know” since it’s really affecting things around me (and because I don’t want to leave them wondering if anything happens) but think I’m just wasting their time if I’m always going to come back out of it eventually anyway. It also just feels like empty space, it’s just not a progressive conversation it feels like I’m telling them I’m giving up.
They’ve got their own things going on and have let me know they are heavily focusing on themselves which I won’t go into detail on but it’s a managing symptoms and getting looked into type, I don’t think a “I’m close to killing myself btw” is a good move on my part and honestly kinda feels disrespectful and disgusting.

I’ve tried putting myself in outsiders shoes, personally I’d rather sit with someone then have them kill themselves no matter what I’m going through but I just cannot convince myself I’m of equal value or importance in a way. I don’t fully understand where others stand with pointless suicide talk hence why I’m asking here.

Is there any point in bringing this up and if so how? There never feels like a good time. I also don’t fully understand why I want them to know tbh. So yeah.
Any advice is appreciated.

Hello, potential warning for sa? Maybe?? Nothing graphic/major. I have a very weird question and I have nobody to ask hence the alt account.

For some context as a kid I had a major issue with wiping my ass properly and I’d either not do it or use anything but toilet roll, and as a last resort the roll as a whole. I don’t remember why entirely but I assume nobody taught me how and it was just really uncomfortable for me. Eventually my parents caught wind and my mother had me in the shower and put some kind of soap?? Up my yk where and it was very painful, she also told me that it only hurts if you don’t wipe properly. It didnt help with the issue as I continued doing it but did make me scared of using the toilet for a while.
Is that normal and if not what do you call this/make of it?? It doesn’t feel like regular punishment but also doesn’t feel justified enough to be sexual assault. A big of me is convinced I’m getting worked up over nothing and that it’s normal but I just need someone else’s thoughts on this.

Also to note: I am trans ftm (he/him) and I have no idea how old I would’ve been, definitely wasn’t in the double digits but I could walk.