How do I get myself to, well, do literally anything?
I know that I should probably try therapy. I currently don't have access to it, but I hope to try it in the future. However, for now: If anyone that's been in a similar situation could give me some advice on how to overcome this, I'd be really grateful.
I literally have no clue how to get myself to do anything; I feel like a complete failure. I've been working on catching myself up so I can (hopefully) attend community college next year. I'd love to go into biology or psychology someday, but I'm honestly starting to question whether or not going to college at all is a realistic option for me. I've reached at least a sixth-grade level in all major subjects, but recently I've seemed to hit a wall; I can't get myself to continue even though I know I need to.
I feel so ashamed at how behind I am compared to other people my age. I haven't done anything but sit in my room looking at my phone/computer for multiple years; I feel so much existential dread about this fact, and it paralyzes me. Whenever I try to study, I just feel this overwhelming shame, pain, self-hatred, and regret, and I want it to stop immediately, so I just don't do it. I've done this when I've attempted to educate myself before, but now that I'm an adult, I know that I can't just say I'll do it tomorrow anymore, and yet I still keep telling myself I'll do it tomorrow.
I feel like I don't have anyone to blame but myself, either. My mother took me out of school towards the end of fifth grade because I was having truancy issues and outbursts at school. She was very anxious that my outbursts/truancy would create legal issues for her/her boyfriend at the time (which is also why she didn't get me therapy for these issues), and she was tired of (unsuccessfully) disciplining me, so she just decided to homeschool me. She tried to educate me at first, but I didn't really want to do my homework. She mostly gave up after two weeks. I was going through a traumatic event at the time, to clarify.
My mother blames me for it; whenever the topic is brought up, I'm usually told something along the lines of, "I'm sorry that you think I was such a terrible mother," or "You know, I did everything I could for you! You were just so difficult!"
TDLR: I feel ashamed/dreadful because of how behind I am in school and life, and I can't bring myself to do anything about it.