At A Breaking Point - Help.
I posted in this thread a while back about issues with my in-laws. Newborn baby, moving across the country, and behavior that had significantly impacted both me and my DH's well-being.
We moved to my DH's home state last month, where his parents reside for half of the year. We moved away from the other state that they reside for the other half. The conflict with my in-laws has spiraled me into pretty dark postpartum depression. Together, me and my DH have cut off his family for months, but with them returning to town shortly, they have been encouraging contact, offering apologies and claiming that they are learning and growing and things will get better. Had a phone call with them last weekend where for a little bit I was convinved...maybe they can change.
They insist that communication with them about what they are doing wrong is the key, and that we need to stop shutting them out and communicate. Their emotional depth and empathy is skin deep - I have no faith that they will be able to change given their patterns over the years. They truly just DONT GET IT. They have no insight into their harmful comments and behaviors, manipulation and control. This hurts my DH, but he understands, it's just hard for him to handle the seeming hopelessness of it all.
Despite the period of hell they put us through with a newborn baby, they still say they are confused about why I feel unsafe and don't trust them. They pushed for reconciliation last weekend, as they are moving back into town for 6 months starting in a few days. I waver between hopeful and pessiminstic, like my DH, constantly in a cycle of turmoil that has been going on for years. We get pulled in, some time passes that is good, and it starts over again. In this state, after hearing them cry, I pulled back in and apologized, told them we can "reset". Then a few days later, FIL is already starting up again with behaviors we thought we had addressed. It never ends. I feel like I'm insane.
To complicate things, my baby is nearly 4 months and I sense a creepy sense of entitlement about their relationship with him. Back in my old post I mentioned that they had said "leave him at the door, we don't want you we want him!". And further, MIL had what I am convinced is a freudian slip the other day about guardianship..."how can she not trust us, she wanted us to be guardians only a few months ago!" Genuinely bewildered by that statement, I absolutely did not say that, and the concept of guardianship and me and/or DH passing away in a state where I have no family is genuinely terrifying. I've looked into it legally - because I have no family around, if anything were to happen to me or my husband despite what's in our estate planning, because they are close, wealthy and are the only relatives in the state with our son there would be a solid chance they or his sister could be his guardians if anything were to ever happen. This is absolutely terrifying to me.
I genuinely feel like I am losing my mind. I have nothing else left to give. We want to enjoy our baby, our lives together, our new city. Somehow I am keeping it together for our little guy, and he is happy and healthy. But the truth is, if we learned how dark and destructive they could be before I gave birth, we would have never gone forward with this move to a place where they spend time. We would've stayed, or moved far away. Their mask slipped deeply weeks after I gave birth --after our move was already in place and settled. Their behavior had never escalated to those heights before and I'm so mad at myself with not following my gut that it was a bad idea before we officially left...
Me and my husband are in an incredibly fragile state. I have weekly therapy that's been going on for years (mind you, most of it is about his family) and my DH is actively searching for a therapist. He's incredibly supportive but grieving and in denial about how harmful his family will be if we remain in contact -- it's painful for him, and he feels like they have died, and here we are in the city where he was raised. A place that we thought we could have peace after a pretty difficult year where we were pushed out of our apartment with only a month or two left before giving birth. Our move took so much out of us financially and emotionally.
We don't deserve this. I need to protect my family. Outside the support of a skilled therapist and couples therapist, I want input. Validation. Anything to help us navigate this before we find a skilled couples therapist to help.
DH said this today: "I can’t really live like this, without actively doing something to make our situation better. Is there anything I can do right now with my parents?" We feel desperate. We already cut them off for months, reconnected, and now feel like we're going to have to do it again because my feelings about their behavior is that it will NEVER CHANGE. My mental health and physically health will chip away at the expense of giving them chances. It already has. Husband's enmeshment makes him more or less used to this -- but he sees how much it is hurting me and understands their behavior comes at a cost to him, and it always has, but he doesn't know what to do. The concept of never speaking to his family again puts him into a state of deep despair.