u/mallierola

Hypothetical of course since I'm really bored

I cannot see into my mind very well, but I observed that a 'part' wanted to increase dissociation and that was often triggered by discussions about it. The general goal for treatment is integration, so I tried to accept him and merge our emotions and memories together. It was only a few days later that I realised my dissociation was getting worse, my perception of time was getting distorted. It almost undid my other merges as well

I tried to observe my emotions and saw 'it', a powerful desire to escape into my mind and I saw it creating something like a fog around me. I expelled it because it wasn't fully fused and everything got clearer instantly. And I feel like I made a mistake even trying to fuse because the barriers are lower now and he's influencing my actions, for context I'm always co-fronting with a part, I 'become' someone rather than 'switching'. Now due to his influence, I 'want' to dissociate and undo all the progress I've made reclaiming my emotions and my memories.

It's made me remember why I cannot accept being a system because it ruins my agency, but I know I'm not supposed to have full control it's supposed to be shared with everyone

I don't know if it's serious enough to be OSDD or just DPDR, I'm absolutely pursuing integration because I haven't yet encountered severe trauma in my memories.

There are times I lose control of my body and I have to fight against something that is inside me trying to move it, I hate losing control. These are more like embodied emotions than identities. I have been able to unify certain 'foreign' emotions by accepting and owning them, granting them equal control over the body so we merged together instead of fighting each other

But I have relapsed several times and I've always seen them as different 'types' of me rather than different 'people'. I will act differently, my mindsets, beliefs, perception of time and order of memories will shift.

My dissociation caused something like psychosis in the past, where I lost touch with reality and could not perceive my emotions (I acted on them but could not perceive them, like my body was being dragged along by a force). My greatest fear is reverting to that form and thus forgetting all the progress I have made, being unable to merge again. To be separated is to be robbed of agency, to be at the mercy of switching which was often triggered externally in the past

I don't know if a typical psychiatrist will see me as an attention seeker. Even if they didn't see me that way, they might not even believe in OSDD

Now that I know it could be something less severe, I would rather work on it myself than risk letting someone know and possibly having others try to force a switch. And I don't want something like this on my records making every subsequent doctor doubt me